A friend recently asked me what to do when a girl doesn’t want to have sex with you. To paraphrase his question, he said:
“What do you do when a girl doesn’t want to have sex with you? Inevitably they all end up saying to me, “Are you mad that we aren’t having sex? Etc. How do you handle it in a way that doesn’t make you seem butthurt or upset?”
It’s an excellent question, because for one reason or another girls all do the same thing.
THE CYCLE OF SEDUCTION
You, as the man, escalate.
Girl shuts you down at some point where she wants to stop. Usually, she makes some reference about how she needs to go because of work, school, or other hamsterific reasons as to why you must stop.
You’ll notice she will keep saying these excuses yet make no inclination to actually…leave.
You back off, then continue to escalate.
She lets you go further than shuts you down again.
This cycle rinses and repeats anywhere from two to a dozen times.
Inevitably, you get tired of trying and reach a point you just want to sleep. And now you actually want her gone. Who can blame you?
You’re tired with balls the color of the sky.
So you tell her you will call her a cab, or walk her to her car, bus, or metro station.
And inevitably, the girl then says something like, “Are you mad that you’re not getting laid tonight?”
Of course, there is absolutely zero logic to this question. Despite her protests and reasoning that she must go soon, and your attempts to seduce her then reduced to zero, she must ask this. Despite the fact that she has logically said she has to go for the last 20 minutes, or three hours, she still will drop this line.
Is it stupid?
IT’S A FINAL SHIT TEST
When a girl doesn’t want to have sex with you and drops lines like the above, it’s a shit test.
She must know that you are a man who doesn’t get upset or butthurt if she doesn’t put out.
And this actually makes sense. You see, a man who gets laid often isn’t going to fret about not getting laid with her tonight. Women want the man who gets laid with a lot of other women.
A man who never gets laid is far more likely to get butthurt about her turning him down for a good romp, and then to respond with angry or bitterness when she turns him down.
Therefore, that question is simply a screening mechanism. She’s basically asking, “So are you a cool guy who gets laid with tile and truly isn’t upset, or are you a fake who is going to be butthurt because he hasn’t had sex since 2014?”
With that being said, your response and actions to when a girl doesn’t want to have sex with you should be pretty clear and simple.
I don’t see the big deal in answering ‘Yeah’. When done without shame or making a big deal out of it, what is not confident about it? And if that makes her go cold, is it not the confident thing to simply accept that? Is the goal to be confident or to convince her that you are?
The thing is, unless your tone is absolutely PERFECT, saying “Yeah” is going to likely turn her off. Even if you are truly confident, all it takes is just the tone to be slightly off and she might go cold.
To me it’s just not worth the risk. Better to just laugh or something ofthe sort.
I get it. My idea was to be authentic instead of focused on the lay, but then, who am I to say that lying is inauthentic. I just dont want to run through life being super careful about my tone and body language just to get laid. Sounds stressful. But maybe its not.
I think a better option is to agree and amplify.
“I’m SOOOOOO mad at you now, I’m gonna give you a spanking” with a shit eating grin, or something playful. Sends the same message but less risk overall.
You really have to talk to them like to children, don’t you. 😀
You kind of do! It really just keeps it light-hearted and fun. If the world wasn’t so serious and feminism wasn’t pushed so hard on so many girls (it makes them miserable), then maybe we wouldn’t be having this conversation.
I hear you. But then, the world is not serious. We only make it. Or let others make it.
The problem is that society as a whole wants us busy and serious. Not thinking about breaking against the norms and narrative.
Therefore most people follow the herd and end up serious: https://thisistrouble.com/2013/12/19/the-herd/
Just last Sunday I had this happen to me – with no other than an ex harem member who I was planning on welcoming back after she spent a year working abroad.
I showed her my new flat and I naturally grabbed her nice ass and pulled her towards me. She didn’t react negatively but was stiff and told me she couldn’t just act like a year hadn’t gone by: that I’d been meeting many girls and she was confused about a guy she’d met abroad etc.
Of course, I stopped escalating and finished my coffee in the living room with her while I sent a couple whatsapp texts.
A few minutes later she dropped the question (seems inevitable doesn’t it?):
– I hope you’re not mad? You must understand.
– Of course not! (big grin on my face which threw her off)
– Oh, why not?
– I understand and it’s your decision so I’m not mad. Also, there’s a girl coming in 20 minutes so we should get going I’ll walk you to the metro.
– (Stunned) Oh…I thought we were going to spend some more time together.
– Sure, but I happen to be really horny today and you’re not on board – so when you stop being confused you let me know yeh? (wink).
Just like that, I walked her to the metro and waited for my other girl to arrive. Then fucked her brains out.
So the answer to ‘What to do when a girl doesn’t want to have sex with you?’
Have more options.
Most girl problems in life can indeed simply be solved by…having more girls.
Have you heard back from the other girl who didn’t bang?
She’s made it clear she wants to see me before my summer antics – my bet is she wants to bang hard after her trump card failed.
Thing is, my interest level on banging her has gone down big time, since I refuse to play games. She better bring something extremely good to the table (her hot sister) if she wants some of my time.
What a great problem to have.
I love it.
Goodbye/makeup sex would be hot though. A sister, even hotter.
Great post Kyle! (As always) Something I’m constantly telling girls is while you have every right to deny a guy sex if you do it too much you’re the girl who cried wolf and *you* start becoming unattractive. Being coy and flirty is only cute so many times, especially in a LTR. If you are giving it to your man on a regular basis the out of the blue “not tonight babe” isn’t going to upset him because he knows you put out often and with enthusiasm.
I don’t think a woman should ever deny an LTR partner sex – ever – but that’s my opinion. Being truly sick can be an exception. Having a headache is not.
More than a couple times is grounds for a breakup.
Well orgasms are wonderful for headaches 😉
I can buy that once in a while one might be a shit test, but he says “inevitably, THEY ALL say” that they don’t want to have sex. Heck, I haven’t heard that line in decades. To me there is some other problem, like he is too beta, for lack of a better term, or not attractive enough, or maybe just not sexy (bad breath, B.O.). I wouldn’t so blithely pass that always happening up to shit tests.
Might be something to that — because while there is some token resistance in many cases, I’ve also had many, many cases where I had zero resistance whatsoever. Pass GO, collect $200!
You’re right though, the more I think…
Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results is insanity. There is one simple common denominator. I’ll mention this to him.
I’m a married man. Marriage sucks. She doesn’t want to have sex anymore. I don’t think she’ll want more sex with me if I slept with a bunch of women. She’ll divorce instead. Anyway, I stay for children and the family just like the 50% of non-divorcing couples.
That’s very cynical advice. “Shared custody and never cohabit?” That’s not a healthy environment to raise a family.
I feel your pain, and whilst this advice is not all that applicable to you (moreso to first dates), I’d encourage you to really take the time to “Game” your wife, too. Give her a little dread and make her antsy.
Take control of what YOU CAN.
It’s even worse when you experience this as a married couple meeting a unicorn.
My wife and I matched with a single woman on Threender a few weeks ago, and after sending a few of our sexy home movie clips, engaged her in some incredibly hot sexting sessions where she was playing with herself, sending pics of the two-pronged vibrator she was using, etc. and generally talking about how badly she wanted to fuck us.
Much to our frustration though, when we met in person, I could never pull things out of “interview mode” and the girl basically sat there for almost THREE hours describing (with non-stop corporate buzz words) how important her job was, and giving the vibe that she was superior to us for having lived in 14 countries when neither of us has ever left the U.S. We still threw out an invitation to our place and quickly regretted it when she sat there for another few minutes explaining how she didn’t feel a connection. Ugh! So painful and awkward! I acted like a moping alpha male bitch in front of my wife, when we should have stood up and made a beeline for the exit.
I’m not trying to be a dick, but this isn’t even relatable.
The article is regarding when a girl is already home. In your case it didn’t even come close to that.
FYI over sexting when meeting girls online can kill the buzz in person: crackingokcupid.com
Sorry, I know it was a little off topic. I do appreciate the tip on over-sexting though.
No problem, glad to help.