Last updated: May 14, 2014

Trouble’s Travels Volume IV: Where Is Alpha Dwarf?



Previously in my series of posts about my Europe ’14 trip:

  1. Trouble Returns From Travels
  2. Volume I: Getting To Poland – 30 Hours Of Delays, Kissing-Ass, And Getting Drunk In Airports
  3. Volume II: The First Night In Poland, Selling Strip Club Tickets
  4. Volume III: Getting Yadstopped

Quick narration: Wroclaw is littered with little dwarf statues all around the main square and surrounding areas.  These little fellows are just a few inches tall, and there are hundreds all around the area.  Lucky and I made it our mission to find as many of these as we could.  On our quest, we hoped to find the ultimate Alpha Dwarf – one with superior body language and dominance compared to the rest of them.

Alpha dwarf?
Alpha dwarf? Naw.

Another night of partying, and another morning hangover-free.  I couldn’t believe my good luck so far.  After filling up our empty stomachs with delicious tomato and mozzarella sandwiches, we headed out to explore again for the day.  The goal this time was to find Centennial Hall – which we found, but it was not very spectacular.  It’s just another building, really.

Exciting, not.
Exciting, not.
Except the smurf balloon was kinda cool.

After that disappointment, we decided it would be fun to check out the zoo.  For all of $7 we both got into Wroclaw’s zoo, where we saw a lion stud with his three mistresses.  By far the most epic part of the zoo though were these pelicans.  They were in a sort of cage – though I would not call it that.  More like a log that separated them from the visitors, which they could easily get around.  To be honest, these things kind of freak me out.

Some enclosure, really.

So of course, the pelicansmove out of their “enclosure” and start scavenging for food.  I’ll let the series of pictures speak for themselves:

Imagine the “Jaws” music playing…
Here kiddie kiddie kiddie…
I’m hungry…

After calling it a day on the tourist stuff (we didn’t get that lost on that day), we headed home for our afternoon nap before going out.  We ended up eating dinner at the supposed “oldest restaurant in Europe” – and it was phenomenal, to say the least.  We had beers, soup, ribs, and roasted pork loin – all of which cost us a grand total of something like $27 combined, for the two of us.  In true girly Instagram/Facebook/Pinterest/etc fashion, here is a picture of my meal:

Ribs, potatoes, and more.

We headed back and pre-gamed at the apartment for the final time, and headed out to the club Insomnia – which was an amazing venue.  The only problem was, after a few approaches, Lucky went into this beta-romantic-faggot-pussy – “artsy” mode, as he dubbed it.  All he wanted to do was go home, meditate, and write about his feelings or some shit.

He was FINALLY able to snap out of the faggot trance, but guess how he did it?  By stealing my target.

Yeah, some wingman 😉

He DID apologize though and tell me he would make it up to me, so all is forgiven.  Finally, at 2:15am, I decided to head home for the night.  We had a bus to catch at 3:40am to make it to our 6:10am flight, and I figured I’d catch an hour of sleep before we had to head out.

As I walked back to our apartment, I happened to take my phone out of my pocket.  I notice that it says 3:15am, not 2:15am.  I thought that was a little odd, but rationalized that maybe I’d forgotten to wind my watch that morning.  Then I realized though, that they were exactly an hour apart, and my watch was still spinning as normal – not a coincidence.  Slightly panicked at this point, I sprinted the last two blocks to the apartment and dashed up the stairs.  I logged onto the WiFi and tried to call and text Lucky – to no avail.  He had no service.

To recap: it was about 3:25am, I have no way to reach him without going back to the club, the last bus of the night to the airport is a mere fifteen minutes away.

And Lucky is nowhere to be seen.

Check back on Monday to read about our dash through Wroclaw at 3:30am to find bus 249, and final thoughts on the elusive Alpha Dwarf.


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