Read these posts in order, or else this will make no sense to you.
- I Underestimate Myself
- Happy Thanksgiving
- Holly Asks For Commitment: Thanksgiving Follow Up
- Coming To Terms With My Own Fear Of Commitment
I’m admitting it, I fear that giving up other girls will cause her to lose a very large part of her attraction to me. It’s tough to admit this, because I know I’m a man that any girl would be lucky to be with, to earn my commitment, and to keep me intrigued enough to want to build something with her. I am a man, but men are not devoid of emotions and feelings. As much as many of us bloggers would like to think we are, I am not a 24/7 rock of alpha who is immune of any deep feelings towards the opposite gender. I genuinely care about this girl and her well-being, and it’s not easy to do, but I can man up enough to admit that it terrifies me that I like the idea of being with her…
…I’m not committing to her for a year, a decade, or a lifetime. I’m just committing to seeing if there’s more. I’m committing to letting a girl who has earned it continue to prove herself as a worthy person to have on my side. On the flip side, it’s also a commitment to myself to get out of it if it becomes stale, or I feel she’s holding me back from more in my life. A commitment that she is not my life, she is just another part of it because she has earned that right.
Up to speed? Good. It’s over between us.
She came over last night for dinner and crazy sex. Of course, while eating, we discussed everything that went on at Thanksgiving with her family and our talk. At the end of it, it almost ended up exactly how I would’ve ideally liked to turn out. We’ve agreed, for now, to just continue doing what we’re doing, but that we would see each other more often (2-3 times/week) as opposed to just once.
How did it come to that? Well, she placed blame on all of her friends and family in the days leading up to my arrival. She said they pressured her, asked her what we were, and just generally made her feel uncomfortable about not having had the “DTR” (define the relationship) talk. This led to her feeling like she needed to have the talk with me and figure it out. She then told me she’s really happy with the way things are and she doesn’t feel ready to enter a relationship with me.
Was this her saving face because I didn’t react in blessed gratification over her wanting my commitment like most guys would? Perhaps.
Of course, I had proposed an open relationship with her, and she proceeded to get a little tipsy and tell her parents, brother, and friends. Apparently they all liked me enough that they basically said, “…we’re just going to forget you ever said that, okay Holly?”
So, she can’t keep her mouth shut about our personal relationship…which is a good thing to know. Red flag.
In any case, this buys me time to keep instilling her with red pill beliefs. Manipulative? Maybe. We had a good talk about male-female dynamics and I tried to explain some of it to her. Ultimately, I don’t know if she’ll ever come around to the idea. She’s got a stubborn side and I can see the jealously in her eyes when we talk about this stuff.
Ultimately, she said she really has little to no interest in dating other guys (she doesn’t “need that”) but isn’t ready to settle because she fears me breaking her heart. She hasn’t ridden the carousel much, so I don’t think it’s some desire of hers to continue on that road. She did ask me to keep some things to “just us” – such as our sexytime playlist and bondage play (she got her first experience with a full-body tie-up last night) and after faking exasperation I agreed.
In any case, I’m going to up the beta a bit and see how she reacts and settles in to that. As I’ve said before, 24/7 Alpha/Hardass just isn’t possible or fun. Thursday I’m going to take her on the ferry over to Coronado island and we’ll eat dinner at one of the nice venues on the water.
Thanks to all of the new friends I’ve made in recent months who provided me support and opinions on this. You know who you are.