Starbucks Makes You Fat - This Is Trouble
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Starbucks Makes You Fat

Not just evil…masters of evil.

I’m sitting at Starbucks, the girl next to me has been making faces at her phone for the last five minutes.  There’s the “duck lips” face, the “serious” face, the “Starbucks mug shot” face, and a couple other weird ones that hopefully don’t make it on to her Facebook.  Oh, look at that!  She has her lunch out.  Looks to be healthy Greek yogurt and cantaloupe.  She’s fit, but is undoing all that good of the small, light (but probably not actually that healthy) lunch by sucking the life out of a large frapamocasmoothiechocolatesundaechino.  Whatever the hell it’s called.  I don’t actually drink caffeine personally, but Starbucks has free WiFi and I’m only a block from the beach.  I’m sitting out here drinking water out of a Gatorade bottle and people are staring at me funny because I don’t have a calorie loaded heart attack in a cup on my table.

This girl is reasonably attractive.  I would probably rate her at a 7, maybe a 7.5 on a good day.  I’m not going to judge her for her choice of drink because she’s in shape.  However, the 250-pound land whales walking through the door, and walking out with their mid-morning treat, I don’t understand.  Starbucks is a status symbol more than anything.  I remember in high school; it was “cool” if you walked around with a Starbucks cup.  Why?  I have no fucking idea.  So all these office workers come into Starbucks every morning, get a 700 calorie sugar-loaded drink, and then go sit in their office chairs where they don’t move for the next couple hours.  Unless, of course, it’s to take a trip to the vending machine for a soda or a “healthy” snack of Goldfish crackers and a Snickers bar.  Which satisfies.

In my office, a lot of typical daily meals look something like this:

  • Breakfast: Bowl of sugar.  Err, sorry, I mean cereal.  Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Fruit Loops, Frosted Flakes, Raisin Bran.  You know what, sugar is actually a fair assessment.
  • En route to work: Large frapamocasmoothiechocolatesundaechino.
  • Lunch: Go out to various establishments: pizza, Mongolian BBQ, sandwiches, etc.
  • Afternoon snack: sodas/snacks from the vending machine.
  • Dinner: Whatever is cooked.  Or stopping on the way home for another pizza.

No wonder America has gotten fat.  Excuse me, I have to go order a frapamocasmoothiechoclatesundaechino before they kick me off the WiFi.

Kyle Trouble
 

I'm Kyle "Trouble". I'm a former computer engineer who left the 9-5 in LA at 24 years old and moved to Eastern Europe. I blog about dating, life abroad, and building successful and scalable streams of income.

Click Here to Leave a Comment Below 27 comments
Grace - August 26, 2013

lol entertaining to read 🙂

Reply
    Trouble.Maker - August 26, 2013

    Thank you! Admittedly you take a much nicer way to helping people be fit on your blog…I mostly just criticize, make fun of, and shame.

    Hey to each their own 😉

    Reply
      Grace - August 26, 2013

      hahahah! hey, aint no shame in the game (of blogging). yours is actually fun to read though lol

      Reply
        Trouble.Maker - August 26, 2013

        I have no shame in general. Was just reading your chest day workout. It makes me laugh how girls are all so worried about getting big and looking manly. Men struggle to get big and ripped, and women are generating such a low amount of testosterone in comparison; it makes me chuckle. 99% of the time they won’t get big and ripped 😉

        Reply
          Grace - August 26, 2013

          lol i know right!!! unless they are on some serious roids… lol

          Reply
          Trouble.Maker - August 26, 2013

          Exactly. If you have friends you’re trying to convince to start lifting, try to get them on a higher-rep-lower-weight regimen. That’s what I use these days so I can stay in triathlon weight range but still look good. Think something like:

          Bench press: 8 sets of 12 @ 70% of max
          Cables flys: 6 sets of 15 @ 70%
          Pushups to failure

          etc etc

          Reply
          Grace - August 26, 2013

          yea thats definitely good. my issue is that my friends don’t even work out… at all….. lol

          Reply
          Trouble.Maker - August 26, 2013

          Well soon enough they’ll be blowing up from eating too many frapamocasmoothiechocolatesundaechinos and then they’ll be begging for your help 😉

          Reply
          Grace - August 26, 2013

          lol it sucks that it has to get to that point!! but whatever will get them to change right? hahaah

          Reply
          Trouble.Maker - August 26, 2013

          Exactly. Good work on your transformation! I’d tap dat 😉

          Reply
          Grace - August 26, 2013

          Lol
          Thank u!!! 🙂 preciate dat

          Reply
emma - August 26, 2013

Haha. The only time I ever go to a Starbucks is if I need Wi-Fi access. The coffee I buy from a grocery store tastes 100x better than the coffee from Starbucks – I have no idea why it’s so popular!

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    Trouble.Maker - August 26, 2013

    Simple! It’s a fad. It’s like a drug. The “cool kids” go to Starbucks.

    Overpriced, crappy coffee is cool. Welcome to America 😉

    Reply
20 Things Women Do That Should Be Shamed, Not Celebrated - November 15, 2013

[…] 2.) Being fat.  Rather than accept the fact that her greatest asset is her beauty, women are instead celebrated for eating Dunkin’ Donuts and drinking whatever-the-fuck stupid name Starbucks uses for their large calorie-loaded heart attacks. […]

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Lorna - November 15, 2013

I agree with you, completely. Starbuck’s coffee tastes terrible, and that’s why they put 700 calories worth of fat and sugar in it to make it drinkable. I can’t imagine drinking all of that sugar every day, day in, day out. I keep seeing everybody else gaining about 10 lbs a year here at the office, but I don’t because I don’t eat the bagels/pizza/cookies/donuts or drink the sugary cokes/coffee.

Reply
    Trouble.Maker - November 15, 2013

    It’s hard as hell to resist that though when people are munching all around you.

    Reply
Paul Murray - November 30, 2013

Starbucks is a milk bar. It sells milkshakes. A shot of coffee does not change that.

Reply
20 Things Women Do That Should Be Shamed, Not Celebrated | This Is Trouble - December 11, 2013

[…] 2. Being fat.  Rather than accept the fact that her greatest asset is her beauty, women are instead celebrated for eating Dunkin’ Donuts and drinking whatever-the-fuck stupid name Starbucks uses for their large calorie-loaded heart attacks. […]

Reply
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Wizard Prang - January 14, 2014

Word.

Eighteen months ago, I cut out sugar. No sodas, sweets, fruit juice (OJ is worse than sugar), chocolate, sugar in tea and coffee, the lot. Within three months I lost 12lb without really trying… and none of my trousers fit me any more because I lost 3-4″ off my waistline.

And I don’t do Starbucks. Starbucks is evil.

Word.

Reply
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[…] Manual labor and low class jobs in today’s society are grossly underrated. Sure, the work isn’t fun and the pay isn’t great, but unlike sitting in an office, they won’t make you fat. […]

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[…] Manual labor and low class jobs in today’s society are grossly underrated. Sure, the work isn’t fun and the pay isn’t great, but unlike sitting in an office, they won’t make you fat. […]

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[…] I suspected that Poland and the Czech Republic would be the biggest culture shock to me.  I suspected London, Barcelona, and Rome to be relatively Westernized.  However, even in “poor” countries like Poland (one girls reaction as I nearly ripped apart a 10 PLN bill was priceless), the American way of life is spreading fast.  Smartphones are common.  McDonald’s and Kentucky Fried Chicken are everywhere, and you’ll be hard pressed to find a coffee shop more popular than that garbage chain Starbucks. […]

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Diabetes In Teenagers: The Starbucks & Jamba Juice Diet - This Is Trouble - March 15, 2016

[…] many teenagers are just drinking straight black coffee. No, they’re drinking the crap above, getting fat, and getting […]

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