Oneitis: Often confused with love, this is the feeling that a particular woman is actually special. This is just an illusion; she is the same as the other three or so billion.
To give a bit of a background, I wrote the following about this girl here:
Every day this week as I’ve opened my fridge to pull out a strawberry, I think of fiery red hair and bright blue eyes. I think of a great afternoon. Of falling, being cold and wet, and laughing. Of waffle sandwiches. Of laying on the grass with a pretty girl on my arm and being amazingly content in my life.
I wrote about how upset I was when distance separated us here:
I hate that I hate so much. I want to open up and share all, but just can’t. You’d understand what I really mean by this entire post. I guess I’m trying to say is I’m saddened that I am so guarded. That I am not willing to open up my heart just yet.
Most of all, I hate that it just wasn’t the right timing for us.
I’ll miss you, LR.
This girl drove me crazy enough that after I recently visited her on the way home from moving my sister into college, I commented at the The Chateau, seeking advice and wisdom. I wrote the following, among a few other comments. Click the previous link to read the whole thread.
I’m 22, she’s 21. I’m a recent college grad and doing very successful, she’s got a few years left. Now that she’s back in college, it’s long distance. She knows I have 3 other girls in my life and that I’m fucking all of them. I know she has one guy she’s been dating (who after 3 weeks said he loved her). I couldn’t care less, though the fact she keeps him around is a bit of a red flag.
I received the following pieces of advice:
- Run away. This is not love, this is arbitrage. You will have two kids in five years, and be living in a rented room while she looses the guns of the state on you if you are 12 hours late with her alimony and child support.
- One day, you will meet that woman who is not shagging half the town, is not interested in having other men, doesn’t mind that you have other women, and shags like a crazy wolverine.
- I never had a bitch I dated with a dude on side but really to have a chick with a dude on side and talk about marrying this chick is insane to me that she wouldn’t of already got rid of him.
- Never, ever consider marriage to a woman who doesn’t think you walk on water and also melts physically when you push her down on the floor. Even then, you will have to decide for yourself if said woman will change her mind in 7 years and decide she’s just not “growing” when it turns out you don’t make as much money as the girl she knew in high school who married the trust funder. You’re a temporary meal ticket to this woman, and she is lazy, avaricious, and dangerous — based on your description.
I live my life open and honestly. Girls know that I’m dating other girls. They can either accept that about me, or walk away and never speak to me again. I don’t throw it out there randomly, but if asked (and they all do, eventually), I answer their basic questions with 100% honesty (though I will not go into personal details about any of them to each other). I know how important a strong frame is, and this is a perfect example. You can get away with a lot.
Anyways, I’ve dated this girl since May-ish. I knew she had other guys she was dating before me, and since she was only in town for the summer, I knew it would be casual. However, we got close over summer, as you can tell by the previous posts I linked to above. I did let my guard down significantly with her, and we talked about a possible future a year down the road when she finished school. One night, when joking around, she said she was going to add me to Facebook. Now, I never accept friend requests from girls I’m dating. I let the request sit idly for weeks. I end up deactivating my Facebook.
I go move my sister into college last week, and stop on the way back through her town. I get a hotel there, take her out for a night of drinking on the town (pounding my head into the table as I write this…), end up getting really sloppy, etc. We have a good time, I spent a decent amount of cash. $150 hotel + $35 dinner + $40 drinks = far more than I’ve spent on any other girl in a long, long time. That was just over a week ago and we haven’t spoken since; though that’s not unusual for me.
Today I accidentally try to log in with Facebook to some site and my account gets reactivated. When I go to deactivate again, I have new friend request notifications. Naturally I click it and see hers as well. And her new profile picture. Sunset silhouette photo kissing someone. Well, I know it’s not me.
Now, she told me about this guy months ago. He said he was completely in love with her after three weeks. Yikes. I never asked her for commitment, and I’m certainly seeing other people, so I have no right to be angry about that. Admittedly though, I felt a little unhappy about it. Not a jealous unhappy, just a bit of a pit in my stomach. LaidNYC did a great job summarizing this on one of my comments at his blog:
Virgins strongly preferred, but less than 5 partners all within the confines of a committed relationship is probably an okay rule for most guys to go by, although even that will make an honest guy a little sick to his stomach.
I decide this is one of those cases where I’m going to “burn the set,” so to speak. I accept the friend request, and discover the photo was posted two days after I left. I think what bothers me the most is that if this guy is, “totally in love with her,” after that long is…it makes me think that he probably doesn’t know about me. Maybe she was upfront and honest with him about it, but I know the type of guys that are okay with that arrangement, and generally it’s not the guy that’s falling in love after a couple of weeks. I’m not disgusted so much by the fact that she’s seeing someone else as I am knowing that, more than likely, she’s not being completely honest with him. I question then: what is she not being honest with ME about? Am I assuming? Of course. But now her character, which I had thought to be so feminine and sweet before, is very much in doubt. Of course, the only way to verify all of this would be to bring it up to her, which I will not do for obvious reasons.
Regardless of all of this, I let myself get too attached to her. I let myself get sentimental, mushy, etc. I probably gave too much and didn’t take enough back. I thought she was special and different. I had fantasies of us being together and being blissfully happy. I dreamed of being able to give up game, of allowing myself to open up my heart and trust someone not to smash it to pieces. While I don’t love her, and am not heartbroken, I’ve realized, that, once again…I got played.