My relationship is over.
This will be my one and only post about it.
I wrote another, but now I hate it and I threw it in the mythical WordPress trash. Anyways…
“Leave Them Better Than You Found Them”
This has been a staple of message boards, Game books, and “player code” since Neil Strauss penned The
Peacocking Dorks Game back in…2005? Was it that long ago? Wikipedia confirms…yes. I just turned 24 this past week – Jesus, that makes me feel old.
I just don’t see how it’s possible to ever feel like you left a girl in a “better” place after a breakup. It’s a bullshit rule. There’s always going to be hurt all around. If you love and you’ve lost then she’s done the same. Immediately after it’s loss. A big hole where someone who was a big part of your life is now wide open. I won’t act like a tough guy and tell you I’m not upset. I am. Some drama happened that capped it off. I didn’t think it was repairable.
Distance isn’t any fun.
Granted, Los Angeles and San Diego isn’t that far. And for a while, I kinda liked it. I could get shit done during the week and see her on the weekends. But eventually, the lack of weekends (and therefore social opportunities) wears on you.
Perhaps it was a ticking bomb counting down to zero from the time I signed on the dotted line at my new job up here.
Which sucks, but isn’t any relationship like that? More than likely it’ll end at some point.
We’re pretty small in the scheme of things in general. Grains of sand on a beach from a universal perspective.
I’ve struggled writing much of anything late; this is the first post in July. I just haven’t had any motivation. That’ll change now. New feelings and emotions bring out the best in me. It’s a learning process. I’m certainly mounds better than I was at the last relationship, which was several years pre-Game discovery. But yeah, this one still stings – writing about it will be a part of the healing process for me.
And I feel pretty crappy about it at the moment. While I know she was happy with me, I just felt like I was holding her back. Not from “better”, per se, but from finding what she ultimately wanted, which was marriage and kids. I just turned 24. She was 27, almost halfway to 28. She said she was happy with the way things were and didn’t expect anything (how true this is could be debated forever), but how fair is it for me to keep her with me while I’ve got one foot out the door towards moving to Europe? She will make a great mother and wife one day. Who am I to tie her down until she’s 30, only to then bow out and leave her with ever-decreasing options on that side of the hill.
I don’t know. I just hope it was the right thing to do. Like I said, there was a bigger event this past weekend that was the icing on the cake. I don’t really care to get into the specifics at this point.
The worst part for me to stomach is that we broke up in March, because I was going to Europe. But it was amicable. We spent one last great weekend together, and in that time we worked it out. If that had been goodbye, it would’ve been easier to stomach because it ended on a high note. But now, it ended with hurt feelings all around. With me loading her car up and wanting to at least give a hug goodbye – and her just getting in the car.
“So, that’s it then?”
“What do you want me to say, Kyle?”
I didn’t have a response for that. I don’t even know if I said anything that was more than a mumble. I turned around and walked back into my complex.
I took one last look back…and that chapter of my life closed as she drove off.