Admittedly, I’ve got a few drinks in me…this is going to be a ramble.
I’m upset (clearly), but not heartbroken. It is what it is. If it’s meant to be down the road, then it’s meant to be. Hell, I even know it’s not not the time at all. Long distance is not my thing. I’d cheat within a week.
Why the hell am I writing this?
Guess it’s good to get it all out. God, I feel like such a little pussy now though. Everything I’ve learned in the last few years with girls practically went out the window. I brought flowers. Bought cheesy sentimental gifts. Dropped the occasional, “Hey, beautiful.” Everything you’re not supposed to do with girls (in order to get them to sleep with you), I did. Why? I don’t know. I wish I could explain it. Part of me is upset at myself. Part of me has no regrets.
I try to balance being the asshole with being the nice guy. I want to be nice to girls. I also want to have sex with girls. Those last two things are like blood and water. Imagine a giant game of tug-o-war. Two sides of the team pulling in opposite directions until the middle eventually explodes and people tumble everywhere. It just doesn’t work.
Damn, I guess if I wasn’t upset I wouldn’t be rambling on like this.
Here’s the thing though, I thought my relapse into “nice guy mode,” with her…it didn’t blow up. It didn’t drive her away. It didn’t make things blow up. After thinking about it more, maybe you can be a nice guy and still get girls at the same time. It all is about where you come from. I came from a position of power. I was demanding, somewhat selfish, always did what I wanted, showed no regrets, and never let jealousy rear it’s ugly head. In turn, I was rewarded.
Maybe it was because I was still a man. I still led. Made the decisions. Drove everywhere. Bossed her around in a nice way. Didn’t give a shit. Made it clear there were plenty of other girls. Made it clear that I was the man of the relationship and that there would be no bullshit.
Does that make me an asshole?
Whatever it makes me, I don’t really care. Maybe I’ve finally figured out the best of both worlds.
Wow, this was just a ramble. Drinks + blog = bad.