Last updated: January 22, 2016

Field Report: I Get Banned From Fontainebleau Hotel Miami



This one is long overdue, as it happened way back in November when I was at the Fontainebleau Hotel Miami with a student (see his field report of our first night out in Miami by clicking here).

The second night was a bit more interesting. While we were staying near the south end of South Beach, we really wanted to check out the Fontainebleau Hotel Miami and it’s signaturenightclub, LIV. Fontainbleau Hotel Miami is the venue itself, and LIV is basically inside of it. Fontainebleau Hotel Miami also has a pretty cool bar inside of it, too.

Let’s set the scene.

It’s about 9:00pm, Nick and I are in the bar of Fontainebleau and having a grand time. Fontainebleau Hotel Miami is was just…my perfect venue. A vast, wide bar with enough space to move around; but it’s quiet enough I don’t have to yell, but loud enough no one will be butting in on conversations. Occasionally there are places in the world like Mme Lee in Montreal that I just enjoy so much, I hit a groove where I just talk to everyone and just let the night take me where it wishes.

And it was turning into one of those nights.

Our goal was to simply find a couple of girls who were going to LIV, with the hopes of getting us in for free with them; or at the worst, at least skipping part of the line. Miami is very similar to Vegas in this regard, to those of you who have been to Sin City.

Then…I made a blind approach.

Four girls sitting on a couch, and we had no access to look at their faces. But they all looked slim and had tight dresses on, so what was the worst that could have happened?

Well, they were all old as shit.

But I had gone for broke and just sat down on a chair next to all of them. In my slightly buzzed and overwhelmingly cocky confident state, I’d already plumped down and made myself comfortable before I even looked at their faces with any real scrutiny.


I opened my mouth anyway and started talking. Figured that if they were trying to get into LIV, maybe four of them wouldn’t be so bad. And like I said, I was in a social mood. Nick joined me shortly after, and we actually had some laughs with them.

Then, they asked if I’d take a picture of them.

fontainebleau hotel miami

Continuing the cocky vibe, I said I would – if they bought me a drink. One of the girls handed me hers and said I could have the rest – she was drinking a vodka tonic, which just so happens to be one of my favorite drinks.

(In hindsight taking a drink from a random stranger was probably not my best decision…but I’ve also done more stupid things in my life. #YOLO)

So of course, I accepted. I took the picture. They said they wouldn’t be going to LIV, but wished us a good night and we returned the courtesy.

Not ten minutes later, Nick is in conversation with a smokin’ young girl, and one of the older women goes up to him and says, “Hey Fred, your mom is outside waiting for you. She says it’s time to go.”

From what he told me, Nick didn’t even recognize that she was one of the older ladies we had just talked to, and he just looked confused. But she continued pestering him about needing to go and find his mom in front of the younger girl, and eventually gave up.

Obviously, his chance with that girl was over.

From what I gather, she didn’t know his name. So she made one up, with the goal of making it look like he was a spoiled kid on vacation with his parents – effectively killing any chance he had with the new girl he was talking to.

Nick comes back to me and tells me the story, and I’m as confused as he is. Neither of us realize at this point that she was one of the older ladies we’d just been pleasant with a few minutes prior.

Until five minutes later, when the bouncer at Fontainebleau Hotel Miami approaches me…

“Excuse me sir, but I need to have a word with you. Alone.”

Nick is looking at me with utter confusion, but I let him know it’s fine and walk with the bouncer a few steps away.

“So…we got a complaint about you. Apparently you took a drink of a young lady’s drink without her permission. She would like you to buy her a new drink.”

I’m absolutely baffled at this point, because at no point this night has a “young lady” offered me a drink of any sort, nordo I steal drinks.

Then it dawns on me.

“Wait…you mean the “young ladies” over there? The four of them? The ones who are all 40+ years old?!”, and I start laughing out loud.

“Yes, them. Now, I need you to reimburse their drinks or else I’m throwing you out.”

“On the grounds of what? They offered me that drink to take their picture. I’ve done nothing wrong.”

“That’s not what they said, and since you stole their drink I can kick you out for trespassing.”

“Fine. Here’s $20,” I respond as I pulled out a $20 bill.

“No, we’re going to need a credit card.”


I’m no fool. I know what’s up at this point. This guy is about to use my credit card to foot their entire night of drinks, just to keep them happy. I suspect it’s because they were older, with money, and likely staying at the Fontainebleau Hotel Miami. Meanwhile, Nick and I were just a couple of kids who bought one drink each (at $18 for a well) and then filled up the glass with our flasks in the bathroom like some cheap college punks.

Needless to say, I tell the bouncer that’s not going to happen and he tells me I have to come to his office. I let him know that I’m certainly under no obligation to go where he wishes, but that I will happily leave the premises.

He continues to persist I come with him, and by this time Nick has gotten close enough to hear the conversation.

Ultimately, I simply start walking towards the door and tell the bouncer that there’s nothing he can do about it. He finally admits to the fact that he has no real legal recourse against me, but throws this out:

“You can NEVER come back to Fontainebleau Hotel Miami, or LIV again. I need your ID to keep a record of it and put you on the ban list.”

I simply say that’s fine and hand him my ID.

The look on his face when I pull out my California ID card was absolutely priceless.

Perhaps he thought I was just some rich South Beach kid who loved Fontainebleau Hotel Miami, was a regular, andthat he could have me blacklisted from other Miami clubs to impact my social life. I already didn’t have a huge desire to return to South Beach, and certainly not Fontainebleau Hotel Miami or LIV.

It’s pathetic that the words of some old hags got me kicked out, and put a huge damper on our night, as it started raining shortly thereafter. But frankly, it’s a hell of a memory and one that Nick and I still laugh about a few months down the road.

The wall is a real thing, gents. This is the perfect example of aging women simply hating the world because they spent their prime partying away, and now are trying to take it out on whoever they can. They were probably thrilled to have our attention, and when we made it clear we had no real interest after a few minutes, they decided it was perfectly within their rights to attempt to ruin our entire night. Not only did they blow Nick out of his next set, but when that clearly didn’t phase us – they turned to the bouncer.

And obviously, we know a woman’s word will always be taken at a higher value, and this is the perfect example of that situation.

The best lesson I can offer from this experience is this: stay away from older women. There’s a reason they’re single, and they’re not as hot.

Let them enjoy their cats.

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  1. A few years ago I had a bouncer come up to me once and say “Sir, the lady here says you stole her chair” after I sat at an empty chair at the bar. After I looked at him with a ‘you’ve got to be kidding me’ face (and probably some unsavory words) he asked me to leave. The amount of shit men do for women they don’t even know based solely on what the women say is mind boggling.

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