It’s that time of the year again. Snow falling on the ground (though not in Los Angeles), eating way too much food, and dealing with insufferable family members. And they say the holidays are supposed to be a happy time of the year.
It also means it’s time to buy for your bitches. Gifts that is. Or, you can always choose not to. That’ll definitely send her into a tailspin of dread. Let’s assume though that you want to get your special snowflake(s) something this holiday season, but aren’t sure exactly what’s appropriate at what point in the relationship – don’t worry, I have you covered. So let’s dive in.
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Christmas Gift Giving Guide – 4 Tier Harem
For the fuck buddy: Nothing. Doing otherwise will send the wrong message. If you feel absolutely inclined, stick with something like candy. Better off just give her a good dick down.
For the girl you’ve casually been seeing: Let’s assume this is more than fucking; as in you actually go out in public together once in a while and have been doing so for at least two-three months. But regardless, tread carefully. Lingerie is okay, long as it’s not an exorbitant price – think no more than $25. And remember that when you guys inevitably break up, she’ll probably wear it for another dude. Buy on what you think is the small side if you want to see it in action. Buy on the large side if you get your laughs in evil ways.
For the main girl, or girlfriend: You could do jewelry if your’e so inclined (again, be careful), but that requires you to usually go out and buy something in person. As does shoes, clothes, makeup, and all the other crap girls like. You’ll notice most of these gifts can be purchased online so you don’t have to go shopping out in public.
In any case, lingerie still isn’t a bad choice. Depending on your serious you are, you could also consider plane tickets or a getaway somewhere. If you do it, I highly suggest going the all-inclusive or relaxing route with her. Don’t go to a city you’ve that you’ve always wanted to explore
the local women and experience all the tourism. You’ll hate it.
For the wife: A gun. To shoot yourself with. Also acceptable: a noose.
For the girl who’s getting too comfortable: A gym membership.
For the girl you’re cheating on your girlfriend with: A nondisclosure agreement. Maybe a mouth gag.
For the girl who is cheating on her boyfriend with you: iBlacklist. No, I’m not kidding. You’ll need to jail break her phone though.
For the girl you’re about to break up with: A scrapbook of all the good times together, bundled with a box of Kleenex.
For the girl you’re trying to get to break up with you: A blender. My dad got my mom this one year for Christmas. If looks could kill…
For the girl you’re in an open relationship with: A douche to clean all of the other men’s semen out with.
For the girl who you’re in a relationship with but doesn’t fuck you (i.e. married): A copy of Cracking OkCupid. That’ll show her.
For the girl who calls you daddy: An Easy-Bake Ultimate Oven.
For the girl who is a slut: Vibrating remote control egg. Better off getting it at a sex store than Amazon. Make her wear a sexy dress, take her to dinner, and have fun.
What I’m Getting My Girls For Christmas
Girl whom I fuck once a month: Absolutely nothing but a dick down.
Girl whom I fuck weekly: Absolutely nothing but a dick down.
Girl who cheats on me with her boyfriend weekly (he lives in the U.K.): An “I Heart London” t-shirt.
Main girl (Disney Princess – I actually like her): Either a night away in San Diego or some sexy lingerie.
What are you getting your girl(s) for Christmas this year? Anything you’d like to add to the list?
(Shameless plug) If you need a gift for a dude this year, might you consider my book?
Final Note: Some of the above is very much satire. Proceed at your own risk. Should injury occur, you’re required to write in so I can share it.
Hoe hoe hoe, happy holidays!