Last updated: February 22, 2016




America, where we’re more excited about “American Horror Story,” than American history class.

America, land of the free, where men are shamed if they express their full masculinity.

America, home of the brave, where men are forced to cower (easily) behind their 250-pound wife.

America, where the American Dream begins…and dies, in a cubicle with a bag of Cheetos scattered across the floor.

America, where our greatest strength is our belief in second chances…except when it comes to fathers unable to pay their child support because the wife cleared him out clean.

America, which is more than a country.  It’s an idea that is supposed to be contagious.  That’s unfortunate.

America, where we ask, “Not what our country can do for us, but what we can do for our country?”, but it’s too bad that Americans just ask Siri.

America, where we pay for the cost of freedom, in the form of 70 hour work weeks.

America, where we pay $50/month for gym memberships, but linger in our car in the parking lot, hoping to nab the spot that’s fifty feet closer than the last one to avoid the walk.

America, where we have but one life to give to our country, but we do what everyone else does.

America, where the release of the latest iPhone is celebrated more than ground-breaking science.

America, where a woman is a man with a vagina.  Actually, CORRECTION: where men are women with penises.

America, where you’re supposed to work hard to barely make it, while paying for “Sally’s” three children from three different guys because she was “lost”.

America, where we either are given liberty, or given death.  Well, my American dream is my trip to Eastern Europe next spring.

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