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Exponentially Accelerating Hypergamy

(Hey guys, Kyle here. This post on the acceleration of hypergamy in the Western dating world comes from my friend who was my guest on Troublesome Radio 60. As his (rather excellent, I should say) blog is mostly defunct, he’s going to be contributing here at Trouble on occasion. Let him and I know what you think in the comments below!)

I’ve recently had the “pleasure” of finding myself fully immersed back into the world of dating in a major Western city. And my, how things have changed in the 3 or so years since I was last here.

For context, I am what could be considered a high value man. Without going into too much detail, I have spent years improving myself to an objectively very high level, I’m wealthy, and I fully understand socio-sexual dynamics, AKA game.

[Kyle here again—I can confirm all this.]

3 years back, although the situation already wasn’t great, as a relatively high value individual you could run average game, be a bit generally chatty, friendly and non-needy and fill your calendar up with a variety of girls in the 7-8 bracket, who would consistently respond to messages and rarely flake.

Today, I find myself facing a rampaging hypergamy beast running out of control.

hypergamy beast

[Kyle here: I think this is what he means by out of control beast]

I routinely get matches from girls in the 7.5-8 range, with a fair few 8.5s thrown in for good measure. Of those that I match with, 50% won’t respond to the opener (and I use good openers, I’ve been at this game a long time). Of those that respond, 50% won’t respond for a second time.

Of those that respond more than once, 50% will still disappear before the “3 exchanges back and forth and then pitch the date” rule I follow. Of those who agree to a meetup and whose number I take, 50% will flake on WhatsApp before plans are finalised. Of those who finalise plans, over 50% will flake before turning up. Of those who turn up and I get on a date, over 50% will subsequently disappear without a trace. Stack up those percentages, you’re in a world of hurt.

The advent of Tinder and other dating sites, whilst initially seen as a boon for guys wanting to get laid, has created a situation of exponentially accelerating hypergamy. Freed from the risk of suffering in-person rejection, every single guy is able to swipe or carpet-bomb messages to basically *every single girl* who is a 7 or above.

Sometimes even 6s.

As a result, the relative value of even a 7 has skyrocketed to that of a male 9. It doesn’t matter what biological reality tells us should be the case, market dynamics define value, not us.

HYPERGAMY IN ACTION

I met a girl for a first date this week. She was naturally about 1.5 points lower in person than the girl I met online, so around a 7. She told me that within 2 hours of signing up for Match.com, she received 200(!) messages. That’s right, a 7 with slightly attractive photos is now getting 100 messages per hour.

You don’t need to be a genius to figure out what that’s going to do to her perception of her own value.

On the date, I was confident, charming, dressed well, and my physique is top 0.1%—she remarked constantly on it.

However, because I didn’t force myself on her, relentlessly trying to physically escalate, I was out of luck when I texted a couple of days later to chase up a second meeting. She didn’t even bother to open my message on WhatsApp. Funny thing is, I didn’t even like her that much, but she was just the least vapid girl I’d interacted with recently.

At this stage of my life, I’m not interested in hooking up with a series of 7s in a conveyor belt of pointless, shallow soul-destroying sexual encounters—although that option is always open to me as a result of the effort I’ve put into myself. I want a girlfriend, and as such, I’m not prepared to try to force myself sexually at every available opportunity on a girl on a first date, since a girl that only responds to this is not what you’d term ideal girlfriend material.

If I can have a relatively “normal” first date with a girl, being confident, charming and with a bit of light physical touching (arm around shoulders occasionally, taking her hand to make a point etc—this much is always going to be a baseline requirement), and she then appears keen to meet for a second—great, there is potential there.

Logic dictates that my objective value level should have these girls falling over themselves for a chance to see me a second time. But reality is, because validation in the form of 100s of dicks being offered is never further away than the smartphone in her pocket, if I don’t force myself on her as much as possible, I’m out of the picture very quickly.

The sad part of it is, is that no-one is happy from this situation. Many girls, as we know, just get dicked by alphas throughout their 20s, wasting their energy on cubicle careers and pointless social activities, before realising they’re on the wane in their 30s and getting some higher beta to pick up the pieces. Girls who aren’t slutty still lose out, because they simply can’t commit to making a decision on any one man when they’re constantly being offered 1000s more.

Lower value men are just shut out of the picture permanently. Super alphas end up emotionally damaging themselves too by losing the basic human ability to form emotional connections. And guys like me, who have sunk 10000s of hours into self improvement and climbed close to the pinnacle of realistically achievable objective value, find themselves utterly bereft of options for girlfriend material, without considering dropping 2 full points below what they know they’re worth.

Exceptions exist.

If you trawl long enough, you will probably come up trumps sooner or later. But my word, what a soul-destroying meat grinder of an existence it is. I almost managed to lock down a 21 year old 9 (I’m 35).

[Kyle: I’ve see her picture, she’s stunning.]

However I made the fatal mistake of developing genuine feelings for her, and *poof* she’s gone at the first sniff of weakness. It ended up being just a short fling, but at the least it was a solid reference point for what I know I can attain.

IS HYPERGAMY AS PREVALENT WHEN YOU DATE ABROAD?

Things will not improve, only decline.

We’re fortunate at the moment, in that we at least still have the option of going abroad and dating Russian girls, Vietnamese women, Brazilian women, etc.

In those places, the dynamics are not yet as messed up—but even this avenue will eventually close off, as the internet continues to globalise hypergamy. See that story the other day where a girl sold her virginity in an online auction for $2 million dollars.

[Kyle: How long do you think it’ll take before she blows it all? My money is on two years, max. Also, taking virginities is a thankless job. It should really be men getting paid.]

She was barely a 7.5—this is the kind of thing I’m talking about.

None of this however is an excuse for wallowing in self-pity, being bitter, or shirking your base responsibility to yourself for self-improvement. The fact remains, if you can get close to a 8 or 9 in most aspects of your life (wealth, aesthetic, physique, social skills etc) you can still pick up a girl of around the same value level in smaller Eastern European countries, or Southeast Asia.

Don’t expect to just swan over there as a clueless, out-of-shape schlub and clean up though.

It’s worth considering also just *why* so many people advocate going to countries like Ukraine. It can be boiled down to three simple words—latent value advantage. In developing countries, you have exotic foreigner value, and you represent a path into a lifestyle of greater material wealth and better chance of provisioning for the women over there.

Let’s not get mushy-eyed and romantic about it—on a biological level, coupling has and always will be about a basic exchange of female fertility for male status and wealth. In Western countries, with female emancipation, you are simply not needed. Every want in their lives is able to be satisfied by the money they take home for the cubicle, or by daddy Big Government. Throw in sexual liberation and loose societal morals, and hypergamy is unleashed to its fullest extent.

EVOLVING AS A MAN AND COMBATING HYPERGAMY

Lest any of this come across bitter, let me assure you, and as anyone who knows me would attest—I’m not that type of person. The motivation for this post was spurred by coming home from a first date with a rather pleasant girl from the Czech Republic, intelligent and affectionate. We hit it off extremely well, she was giving me mild “spaz eyes”, and things ended on a positive note. Yet as the date wore on, I found myself increasingly off-balance thinking “you should be going for the kill, now”.

Not because I wanted to—as previously mentioned, I’d much prefer for things to run at a natural pace. Courtship is an enjoyable ritual, allowing yourself to become closer and for tension to build over time. But rather because I thought “if you don’t, you’re never going to hear from her again when you pitch the second date”.

This is the only time in my life these days I ever feel off-balance, contemplating having to try to force myself on a girl at an early stage in a nature which is alien to me, and it made me feel weak. And in the classic cycle, because I felt weak, I then became angry, and directed this ire at the perceived source.

I’ve been there, I’ve worn the “PUA hat”, escalating like a chimp on girls, throwing alcohol down their necks on a first date, and I’m not interested in that life any more. As a self-actualised individual, adhering to my principles is more important to me than getting my dick wet, and I’m all too aware how selling yourself out for your cock is a sure-fire way to put the brakes on your personal development, hurting your inner game and locking you into a cycle of chasing validation from women.

Thanks for tuning in to this post about hypergamy. Hope you enjoyed it.

Cheers,

Kyle

PS: What my friend has written here in this post is about balance in life. And that’s what The Harem Handbook is all about.

  • December 21, 2016
  • Nick says:

    Have you’ve tried any other ways to meet girls or are all these observations coming strictly from using Tinder?

    • YSW says:

      Hey Nick – this is from a combination of Tinder, other online dating sites (match.com, PoF, OkC, Zoosk), other online dating apps (Happn, Bumble), and a smattering of numbers I’ve taken from girls in person.

      Focusing solely on offline game won’t help you much either – you might not be using these sites, but they most assuredly are.

      Although of course you’re going to get flakier behaviour on things like Tinder and other online sites, it’s a general problem endemic to modern society, big cities especially.

      Meeting girls through social circle still remains your best bet of finding some genuine quality, and a tiny pinch of social proof goes a million miles – but in a place like London, that probably means befriending and tolerating what are most likely going to be a load of liberal faggots.

      • Kyle Trouble says:

        I’ll chime in here, too.

        While I think I’ve even encouraged you to get offline more, it doesn’t change the fact of the matter that…well, it’s out of control.

        Online dating was always a crapshoot. Always will be.

        But the difference is that even girls who would normal want to lock you up right away (i.e. social circle) are now turning up their nose at that.

        Of course correct me if this assumption is wrong.

        Regardless of what methods are used to meet girls it still comes down to the fact that it’s out of control.

      • YSW says:

        I’d agree with that. More and more girls are joining online dating daily.

        That sweet girl who had never even considered online dating you might have locked down from social circle 3 years ago, is now considerably more likely to have endless offers of dick delivered via her smartphone.

      • Kyle Trouble says:

        Absolute domino effect throughout society, Tinder has had.

      • Kyle Trouble says:

        Also, I’M TRIGGERED.

        Just kidding.

        Merry Christmas, fuck you PC police.

      • Nick says:

        I agree with the points made above. One thing to consider though is that as a man we derive our value from more than just looks. Girls value is inherent in their beauty. Online dating puts guys at a disadvantage (especially those less good looking).

        Yes in general hypergamey (especially in the USA) has increased, I’m not arguing that point. I was just getting at some possible solutions to the problem. I don’t think we can go back unless there is a MASSIVE shift in the underlying culture. Instead we have to adapt (move to another country or adjust your game).

      • Kyle Trouble says:

        Totally agreed. There’s no going back.

        Am curious though if “go do daygame” is applicable to solving the problem in the US. I know that crowd would say yes.

        I’d say moving is a much more fulfilling option, but that’s me.

        Not that there are many places to DG in the US besides NYC, Chicago, LA.

      • Nick says:

        Each situation has its own unique solutions. I think it depends on the guy and the city he’s in.

        Personally, moving abroad would be my choice.

      • Kyle Trouble says:

        Yeah, me too (obviously).

        NYC is a hell of a lot better for dating than say, LA.

  • You have to sleep with a girl on the first date or she’ll forget about you. This is even true if she likes you on the date – the 100 tinder matches will knock you out of her mind.
    If she comes over to your house and you almost have sex, that might be enough. It’s the drama and feelings that lay down the neural networks.

    • Kyle Trouble says:

      I full heartedly agree with this statement. Gotta push as hard as you can, every time.

      Quite literally have to penetrate her to get a second go round.

    • YSW says:

      You’re correct, I won’t deny it.

      I’m a grown man however, not a horny teenager. I don’t enjoy drinking that much, and bars do my head in. In the past, I forced myself into these environments, plying both of us with alcohol, just to get my end away. It worked for the main part, except I was then in the position of constantly compromising my own principles for the sake of my dick.

      My inner game suffered enormously, and I totally stagnated in my personal development for years.

      Since I stopped doing this, I have a whole lot less sex, but I like myself a whole lot more. I know which I prefer, but I appreciate I’m at a different stage of my life than younger guys.

  • Ron says:

    It seems like if your goal is to meet a quality un-damaged woman and start a traditional family life long term, in the current year in the West, you are better off going “temporary MGTOW”/monk mode until you can build a location independent-business to get to more fertile grounds, rather than even waste time here.

    Western women are so irreparably damaged and over-validated, if you didn’t get something from social circle early in life, your odds of successfully getting a traditional wife and kids household are so minuscule, even if you work to become a top tier man.

    And it’s a massive suck of time, scrolling through countless fatties. If you have a demanding corporate gig, how are you going to launch that online business realistically while still trying to invest serious effort in game? Seems like the pros outweigh the cons of just shutting yourself in for however long it takes.

    • Kyle Trouble says:

      “you are better off going “temporary MGTOW”/monk mode until you can build a location independent-business to get to more fertile grounds, rather than even waste time here.”

      Other option is just to save a small nest egg and freelance part time abroad. You can live off $1.5k a month. Easy peasy.

      Being a shut in is definitely not a bad alternative, though…

    • YSW says:

      I agree with this wholeheartedly. It’s simply not worth the time investment and dealing with constant disrespectful shitty behaviour. Make money, leave.

  • Riley says:

    I’d venture to say online game in the West (specifically referencing LA here) has gone significantly downhill in the last few years, particularly within the last 12 months. The flakes are insane and frustrating as they surface everywhere. I’ve done better everywhere, including rural Oregon, than I do in LA. I believe running a solid instagram (use followliker etc.) with a dose of splenda game will yield the highest ROI online as of right now.

    I find it difficult to straddle the fence of being hyper-realistic (red-pill) and optimistic/proactive. Yes, the dating market is rough but brooding on it gets you nowhere. Showing ambivalence to that Czech girl won’t help you get a 2nd date. Your inner game shouldn’t be fragile enough that you can’t make the most strategic move (escalating) without detriment. If you just wanted to take it slow with her then do that shamelessly and her loss if she jumps ship. Nowadays, in the West, not all girls will like this. Adapt or die. You were operating out of fear when you thought “if you don’t you’re never going to hear from her again when you pitch the second date.” Don’t mean to condemn you here. I appreciate the vulnerability and honesty you expressed through the article.

    As a side note, I encourage you Kyle to give OKC/POF/Tinder a try while you’re in California and write an update on changes since last year. Maybe you could even pump out a Cracking OKCupid Revisited.

    • Kyle Trouble says:

      Really good comment here Riley. Thanks for sharing it. Hopefully my pal (the guest poster) will respond tomorrow.

      That is the thing in the West – even if you do it all right, you’re still going to fall victim to the flakes and BS. Part of the game.

      “As a side note, I encourage you Kyle to give OKC/POF/Tinder a try while you’re in California and write an update on changes since last year. Maybe you could even pump out a Cracking OKCupid Revisited.”

      Much as I would like to *write* about the updates of this, I have no desire to go through the actual process of getting the data 😉

      I’ve got a beautiful, feminine, and charming girl waiting for me back in EE. No reason to throw that away for whatever is left out here.

      (I’m also staying at home with my folks so that pretty much kills that vibe, ha!)

    • Nikolai Vladivostok says:

      I’ve also noticed an increase in last-minute flakes and outright no-shows here in Asia. It uses to be nonexistent. In the past year it’s happened several times. I call it Tinder Syndrome – men and women no longer take each other seriously because we are so easily replaceable. We’ve reduced each other to pixels on a screen. RL porn. Obviously women flake more than men but even I’ve done it, because I was dog tired and couldn’t be bothered driving across town to meet an average woman who may or may not turn up.

    • YSW says:

      Agree with your comments. Its not my style to try to escalate like a horny teenager on a first date, and I did not like the feeling of “you’re blowing it” that it gave me. As you say, if you are the kind of person who wants to take things at a more normal pace, then you should utterly own that frame, and indeed – her loss if she jumps ship.

      I’m a confident, well-grounded person, but eventually you crack and the frustration overwhelms you, before you get a handle on it and pull yourself back together again.

  • Kathy says:

    What you’re basically saying is that even average girls won’t go out with you. Ok.

  • Henry says:

    This guy talks about “falling in love” and looking for a gf, etc – he sounds as Beta as it gets. I really prefer Kyles articles, the guy here sounds needy and weak. Useless whiny article.

    • Kyle Trouble says:

      Thanks for the feedback Henry, I do appreciate it. So you didn’t get any value from the article, per se—even if it’s just a “well, I’m not alone in the world” kind of feeling even if it lacked actionable advice?

      Honestly curious because that will come into consideration in the future. That was my hope by running it though – maybe someone out there trying to build themselves up and is frustrated would relate.

      Merry Christmas!

  • Proverbs31USA says:

    From an American woman’s point of view (I’m a happily married woman who has friends still dating with whom I discuss these types of issues and I read about gender and sex psychology as a hobby), modern day hypergamy is partly a response… A response of females in a society which devalues feminine qualities and focuses on purely sexual appeal to determine value as a sex partner while placing the focus on masculine qualities to determine socioeconomic value, thus encouraging women to develope the masculine qualities at the exclusion of feminine qualities. After all, the role of feminity has already been made unimportant for sexual relationships compared to physical sex appeal, so they lose it easily, thinking it has little value. Having become somewhat masculine, it seems some women, and more every year, are utilizing their sexual currency in a masculine way. They direct it towards the highest value option, to achieve the highest value outcome. It’s logical, structured, efficient thinking, but it’s not creating beautiful romantic stories. And men don’t love it. Magic is disappearing from sexual life in our culture, from lack of feminine thinking. Transactional thinking has become more common. The tinder-life is the ultimate example. Even cultivating modern day sex appeal requires more masculine energy than feminine. One of the private jokes between women is how barbaric beauty routines can be, and how differently we try to present “spa day” (it’s actually minor surgical procedure day) on Instagram and all our preparation and even exercise routines than what it actually is. If you want to keep up with beauty standards and be the highest number of points you can be, you have to have some grit, and some cash. Women want to win at life. They want a good life just like men do, but they used to (and I’m speaking with a dangerous generality, but fortunately this is not a feminist website) … They used to think a man was the key to that. Now that the popular opinion is that the woman herself is the key to that happiness, and sexual value is something you can strategically maximize if you work hard and consistently at your appearance, and the most masculine women achieve the most financial gain… why would a woman choose a man on the basis of anything but his sexual and socioeconomic value? She doesn’t want to sell herself short. She’s playing a long game with all her masculine skills to achieve happiness. And happiness is something with many sources but romantic love is didferent. You can’t just get it anywhere, and you can’t even pick out who you love like you are at the store or shopping online. Even if you rename and redress what “love” is, it is not changed. It’s only a lie about love. Love is the same today as it was when a woman needed a man for survival, and deep down everyone wants true love. When we believe love can be what we choose it to be, to make it suit our mentality and situation, we simply miss out on the real thing. Love is the opposite of hypergamy because you descend on impotence for love, you would would lose anything for love when you are in love, even die!!! It is the ultimate descending of the importance of the self. Love brings you lower than the one you love, to serve them. It creates joy through that dynamic. Hypergamy is the ultimate in the self ascending in importance …you use your power to achieve status through the game of hypergamy. And through that dynamic, you create misery.

    • Proverbs31USA says:

      I meant to say “you descend in importance” for love, not “descend on impotence”, lol oops …although technically one does descend when experiencing impotence, that was not my point. Geez what a typo.

    • Mark says:

      Excellent read! Having been thrust back into the single world after spending 30 years with my late wife, I have been amazed at how dating and the development of relationships have changed. This was an eye opener for me as I have been searching for explanations on what has changed at a more psychological level.

    • Brett says:

      beautiful comment Proverbs31, you are a very wise woman! As a single man I am parched for femininity in a world gone mad, detemined to obliterate it. If a woman has even the slightest feminine characteristic it is a major turn on, if she is very feminine it is incredibly intoxicating and so unusual.

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