(Hey guys, Kyle here. This post on the acceleration of hypergamy in the Western dating world comes from my friend who was my guest on Troublesome Radio 60. As his (rather excellent, I should say) blog is mostly defunct, he’s going to be contributing here at Trouble on occasion. Let him and I know what you think in the comments below!)
I’ve recently had the “pleasure” of finding myself fully immersed back into the world of dating in a major Western city. And my, how things have changed in the 3 or so years since I was last here.
For context, I am what could be considered a high value man. Without going into too much detail, I have spent years improving myself to an objectively very high level, I’m wealthy, and I fully understand socio-sexual dynamics, AKA game.
[Kyle here again—I can confirm all this.]
3 years back, although the situation already wasn’t great, as a relatively high value individual you could run average game, be a bit generally chatty, friendly and non-needy and fill your calendar up with a variety of girls in the 7-8 bracket, who would consistently respond to messages and rarely flake.
Of those that respond more than once, 50% will still disappear before the “3 exchanges back and forth and then pitch the date” rule I follow. Of those who agree to a meetup and whose number I take, 50% will flake on WhatsApp before plans are finalised. Of those who finalise plans, over 50% will flake before turning up. Of those who turn up and I get on a date, over 50% will subsequently disappear without a trace. Stack up those percentages, you’re in a world of hurt.
The advent of Tinder and other dating sites, whilst initially seen as a boon for guys wanting to get laid, has created a situation of exponentially accelerating hypergamy. Freed from the risk of suffering in-person rejection, every single guy is able to swipe or carpet-bomb messages to basically *every single girl* who is a 7 or above.
Sometimes even 6s.
As a result, the relative value of even a 7 has skyrocketed to that of a male 9. It doesn’t matter what biological reality tells us should be the case, market dynamics define value, not us.
I met a girl for a first date this week. She was naturally about 1.5 points lower in person than the girl I met online, so around a 7. She told me that within 2 hours of signing up for Match.com, she received 200(!) messages. That’s right, a 7 with slightly attractive photos is now getting 100 messages per hour.
You don’t need to be a genius to figure out what that’s going to do to her perception of her own value.
On the date, I was confident, charming, dressed well, and my physique is top 0.1%—she remarked constantly on it.
However, because I didn’t force myself on her, relentlessly trying to physically escalate, I was out of luck when I texted a couple of days later to chase up a second meeting. She didn’t even bother to open my message on WhatsApp. Funny thing is, I didn’t even like her that much, but she was just the least vapid girl I’d interacted with recently.
At this stage of my life, I’m not interested in hooking up with a series of 7s in a conveyor belt of pointless, shallow soul-destroying sexual encounters—although that option is always open to me as a result of the effort I’ve put into myself. I want a girlfriend, and as such, I’m not prepared to try to force myself sexually at every available opportunity on a girl on a first date, since a girl that only responds to this is not what you’d term ideal girlfriend material.
If I can have a relatively “normal” first date with a girl, being confident, charming and with a bit of light physical touching (arm around shoulders occasionally, taking her hand to make a point etc—this much is always going to be a baseline requirement), and she then appears keen to meet for a second—great, there is potential there.
Logic dictates that my objective value level should have these girls falling over themselves for a chance to see me a second time. But reality is, because validation in the form of 100s of dicks being offered is never further away than the smartphone in her pocket, if I don’t force myself on her as much as possible, I’m out of the picture very quickly.
The sad part of it is, is that no-one is happy from this situation. Many girls, as we know, just get dicked by alphas throughout their 20s, wasting their energy on cubicle careers and pointless social activities, before realising they’re on the wane in their 30s and getting some higher beta to pick up the pieces. Girls who aren’t slutty still lose out, because they simply can’t commit to making a decision on any one man when they’re constantly being offered 1000s more.
Lower value men are just shut out of the picture permanently. Super alphas end up emotionally damaging themselves too by losing the basic human ability to form emotional connections. And guys like me, who have sunk 10000s of hours into self improvement and climbed close to the pinnacle of realistically achievable objective value, find themselves utterly bereft of options for girlfriend material, without considering dropping 2 full points below what they know they’re worth.
If you trawl long enough, you will probably come up trumps sooner or later. But my word, what a soul-destroying meat grinder of an existence it is. I almost managed to lock down a 21 year old 9 (I’m 35).
[Kyle: I’ve see her picture, she’s stunning.]
However I made the fatal mistake of developing genuine feelings for her, and *poof* she’s gone at the first sniff of weakness. It ended up being just a short fling, but at the least it was a solid reference point for what I know I can attain.
Things will not improve, only decline.
In those places, the dynamics are not yet as messed up—but even this avenue will eventually close off, as the internet continues to globalise hypergamy. See that story the other day where a girl sold her virginity in an online auction for $2 million dollars.
[Kyle: How long do you think it’ll take before she blows it all? My money is on two years, max. Also, taking virginities is a thankless job. It should really be men getting paid.]
She was barely a 7.5—this is the kind of thing I’m talking about.
None of this however is an excuse for wallowing in self-pity, being bitter, or shirking your base responsibility to yourself for self-improvement. The fact remains, if you can get close to a 8 or 9 in most aspects of your life (wealth, aesthetic, physique, social skills etc) you can still pick up a girl of around the same value level in smaller Eastern European countries, or Southeast Asia.
Don’t expect to just swan over there as a clueless, out-of-shape schlub and clean up though.
It’s worth considering also just *why* so many people advocate going to countries like Ukraine. It can be boiled down to three simple words—latent value advantage. In developing countries, you have exotic foreigner value, and you represent a path into a lifestyle of greater material wealth and better chance of provisioning for the women over there.
Let’s not get mushy-eyed and romantic about it—on a biological level, coupling has and always will be about a basic exchange of female fertility for male status and wealth. In Western countries, with female emancipation, you are simply not needed. Every want in their lives is able to be satisfied by the money they take home for the cubicle, or by daddy Big Government. Throw in sexual liberation and loose societal morals, and hypergamy is unleashed to its fullest extent.
Lest any of this come across bitter, let me assure you, and as anyone who knows me would attest—I’m not that type of person. The motivation for this post was spurred by coming home from a first date with a rather pleasant girl from the Czech Republic, intelligent and affectionate. We hit it off extremely well, she was giving me mild “spaz eyes”, and things ended on a positive note. Yet as the date wore on, I found myself increasingly off-balance thinking “you should be going for the kill, now”.
Not because I wanted to—as previously mentioned, I’d much prefer for things to run at a natural pace. Courtship is an enjoyable ritual, allowing yourself to become closer and for tension to build over time. But rather because I thought “if you don’t, you’re never going to hear from her again when you pitch the second date”.
This is the only time in my life these days I ever feel off-balance, contemplating having to try to force myself on a girl at an early stage in a nature which is alien to me, and it made me feel weak. And in the classic cycle, because I felt weak, I then became angry, and directed this ire at the perceived source.
I’ve been there, I’ve worn the “PUA hat”, escalating like a chimp on girls, throwing alcohol down their necks on a first date, and I’m not interested in that life any more. As a self-actualised individual, adhering to my principles is more important to me than getting my dick wet, and I’m all too aware how selling yourself out for your cock is a sure-fire way to put the brakes on your personal development, hurting your inner game and locking you into a cycle of chasing validation from women.
Thanks for tuning in to this post about hypergamy. Hope you enjoyed it.
PS: What my friend has written here in this post is about balance in life. And that’s what The Harem Handbook is all about.