Why Being Too Alpha May Destroy Your Relationship
This is a guest post by a good friend and “retired” Manosphere blogger. For now, this post is anonymous.
Almost all of us who began their journeys after discovering this corner of the internet began from a place of low self-esteem, little confidence, no real value – out of shape, badly dressed, no money. All or some combination of these things. In one way or another, we were betas.
At this stage, we needed game. We needed to understand how attraction worked at a biological level, and how to emulate the behaviours of attractive men, so that we could begin to have some sort of success with more of the kind of woman we desired, all the whilst we worked tirelessly on our self-development.
Being a holistic process, gains in one area led to a confidence boost, which then improved results in another area. Rung by rung, we pulled ourselves up the ladder. As the months and years went by, many of us then found ourselves in the position of finally being able to attract the quality of girl into our lives that we’d wanted all along. We’d internalised the lessons, got into shape, improved our style, found greater financial success. We’d put ourselves head & shoulders above 90% of the rest of the male population through our hard work and endeavors, and could rightly be considered “alpha” at last.
This is usually the point in a man’s journey at which one girl comes along who is significantly better than any of the previous ones. So much so, that you don’t want to stop seeing her. She won’t put out for multiple dates, she’s not that type of girl. She’s interesting and clever, can make you laugh, can even teach you some things about life.
Naturally, you end up in a committed relationship with her, since after all – isn’t this why you learned all this stuff in the first place?
THE FREE FALL…
Things go well, the honeymoon period is in full effect, she’s bringing the best version of herself to the table, you never argue. And then naturally, the hormones die down a bit, and you begin to have minor arguments. She starts acting out, in a way you think is unreasonable, over small things that shouldn’t matter.
You come down hard on it, as you don’t want to tolerate this kind of thing. After all, we know from our red pill knowledge that women don’t respect a weak man, and when she does this kind of thing, it’s a shit test, isn’t it?
And she’ll lose attraction for you if you pander to it?
It works a little at first, but then something is not right. The outbursts become more frequent, more intense. You try to withhold attention, maintain frame, all the things in your arsenal – and none of it works.
She becomes unhappy. She doesn’t leave you, but starts making your life so miserable you end up unable to cope, and consider walking away from the whole thing.
WHAT WENT WRONG?
What went wrong is that we carried on applying techniques designed for betas in our relationships, long after we ceased to be betas. These methods are to be used for low value man to be able to hold their own against women who might ordinarily consider them out of your league, to allow us to maintain the upper hand.
Except we’re not betas any more – through all the hard work we put in ourselves and the confidence we gained, we became alphas. The girl you are with, she’s head over heels for you.
She needs no convincing of your worth.
The acting out, the moodiness – all these things are signs the girl is crying out for some comfort and reassurance from you. She’s scared you might leave her, and she needs to know you’re not going to.
Remember, when a girl becomes emotional, it’s normally either insecurity, fear or hurt. What comes out of her mouth is tangential to what she’s actually feeling.
What needs to be understood, is that to “come down on this like a ton of bricks” is the single worst thing you could possibly do, as a higher value man. You are just compounding the issue.
This girl, she needs you to see through her words, to not react badly even though she may have spoken out of turn to you. She needs you to be the bigger person, just “know” why she’s behaving the way she is, and go to her, hug her, settle her down and reassure her, tell her you love her and you won’t leave her, and be there for her when she needs you.
By reacting with tactics designed for low value men, you are destroying her emotionally, bit by bit — dooming your relationship to fail.
I understand though, it’s hard. We all lost girls in the past through being too needy. We vowed to ourselves that never again, would that happen to us, we’d never show weakness, allow a girl to speak badly to us. When her words call our character into question, we feel threatened, because we still fear on some level it may be true, so we respond with anger.
THE NEXT STEP
Except you have to let go of this at some point, just relax, and start being a normal human being. We started off from one side of the pendulum as betas, it swung all the way to the other side of extreme red pill, and now we have to let it find the centre.
Of course, don’t be a doormat.
There are some occasions which really do require a stern response. But we’re not children any more, we should have enough life experience to be able to use our own judgement to know when is the time for this. Chances are, if you’ve got a good girl, this will in reality be almost never.
As you may have guessed, I write these words from experience. I screwed up the best relationship I ever had, by not letting go when I should, and being the bigger person. I was loving and reassuring to my girl when times were good, sure – but it’s easy to do that. It’s easy to be nice when things are going well. That’s not when it’s needed most though. You have to be able to do it when your girl has just verbally attacked you for something you feel is unjust, and suppress your instinctive reaction to be angry. Put yourself in her shoes, try and see why she’s doing it, and be big enough to go put the arm around her shoulders.
Not in a pathetic pleading manner of course, but as a man.
She won’t lose attraction for you, but rather gain it.
If you want to make the final step into having a successful, long term happy relationship — the reason you got into this whole game in the first place — this is a lesson you’re going to need to learn, and it’s better to learn it sooner rather than later.
Otherwise, the only thing that’s going to teach it to you is losing something you care about, and only realising it when it’s too late.