I am very fortunate to have learned everything I know about women and the true nature of the sexes at a young age.
If not, I very well might have just married the first girl and wifed her up, despite her explicitly asking me if she could hook up with another guy (I gave a “kinda/sorta” answer – you can listen to the whole story here).
I recently recorded a podcast with Mark Braivo, who writes the blog Vigor & Spirit. Mark is a divorced dad who caught his wife having an affair. This podcast had an absurd amount of information dropped regarding fatherhood for us younger guys – you can listen to it here.
Which leads me to this: Mark has a friend named Iris who posted this Reddit thread on Twitter a few weeks ago. I usually try to steer clear of the black hole known as Reddit, but this post was well-written and had some good advice in it.
If you want to read the whole post straight through — click the link above; as my commentary is sprinkled throughout it.
Without further ado:
My exwife and I had a really shake foundation for a marriage. It all started was that when she was in senior year of college, she used to date a guy that was in a band, I am not saying what band because its not relevant, but that band got popular and the guy got money/fame.
My exwife was obsessed with this guy but he was a scumbag, he would cheat on her all the time, lie to her. When she met me she told me she was over him and a year and a half later we got married.
This guy shows the path that I easily could have taken if I hadn’t had the right resources, or found the right mentors. He simply married the first vagina he ever had access to in the hopes of managing to keep that vagina for the rest of his life time (which is gross, btw).
His wife obviously still pines for the alpha male bad boy – and we all know fame is absurdly attractive to women, as it’s the highest rung of the highest ladder.
So while he might say it’s not relevant that he was/is in a band, it absolutely is. She would have been far less likely to have an affair with this ex if he had turned out to be a garbageman.
Final note – only a year and a half to get married. We can reasonably assume they dated for a year (or less) before he popped the question. Bad idea as that’s no where near long enough to screen a woman for who she really is.
And the result for this man is a child that isn’t his.
We had two children or so I thought, Jacob who is 8 years old, and Michael who is now 5. About a year and half ago I was taking Michael and Jacob to the pediatrician, he had made comments before saying stuff about Michael had unique features (busy eyebrows/skinny nose), that neither my wife nor I had. And we were doing the boys growth charts, and he asked me if I had especially tall people in my family, and I told him that I was the tallest of my brothers and sister. He just told me “odd” and kind of hinted at me that something was up. I ended up looking up articles online about paternity/genetics, but to assuage my feelings I got a DNA test for both of the boys, through a private lab.
At least he had the balls to go through and get a test – many men stop before they dig too deep due to insecurity.
The results came in, and it had Michael wasn’t my son. I ended up going to another lab and they all said the same thing. I confronted my exwife, she admitted to it. That the baby is actually her ex’s, that her ex flew over to our city and she had sex with him in a hotel. She said only once, but I don’t believe that it was only once. But it made sense, her ex was really tall he had the features that Michael had.
I lost it at the time I think I was close to passing out when she told me who it was. It was a terrible time for me mentally. I decided to not raise Michael he was 3 at the time. I loved him but he wasn’t my son. Seeing him I could see my exwife’s ex, and it just got me. And I did not want to raise his son.
Yet his wife, who probably repeatedly called him “the love of my life” – didn’t hesitate at all to stick the mystery child on him. Seriously, five years of flat-out lying, and she definitely would have kept it up…well, forever.
I won’t go as far as to say that this is the “true nature” of the majority of women out there – but I do believe that if you are a wimpy guy who hands his balls over – the odds of it happening are higher than you’d like to believe.
Women take the shape of the glass they are in. If you allow them to take whatever shape they wish, well – sometimes it results in a child that isn’t yours. Women will repeatedly test you to see “how far” they can push your limits.
Set those limits EARLY.
I moved on, I divorced my wife, and now my exwife and I split custody of Jacob (my son). Besides the basics cordiality I don’t talk to her, she has tried to seduce but I have refused.
The main problem now is that Michael wants to still spend time with me. I end up taking Jacob to do fun cool things like we went hiking and we built wooden ships together. And Michael is now getting jealous. My wife is dating a new guy that Michael calls “dad” but he isn’t very active with the kids. The guy works in a prison, and when he gets home he just watches TV all weekend. And I think he actually is the one who is pushing Michael to come to my place, because he doesn’t want to have to deal with the kids.
Well, props to this guy for sticking true to his guns. He didn’t want to raise a kid that wasn’t his, and you can’t blame him at all for that right. As I said before, a lot of guys would have just went along for the ride with their balls shackled to their wife’s nightstand.
I can’t see myself raising Michael, but I don’t know what to do. Because Jacob still loves his younger brother and he wants to bring Michael along. I hate being in this positon help me out please.
This sucks, obviously. Even MY cold black heart feels for them.
Tl;Dr– found out that my youngest child isn’t actually my child, but my ex-wife’s ex that she never got over. Now that we are divorced Michael, wants to come over to my place, to hang out with his older brother.
It’s worth posting this one.
Let me try to come at this from a different way.
There are a lot more shades of grey here than the novel. This is not black and white. Ultimately this is going to revert to your looking at your own values and making a decision.
Michael is not your biological son. I’m with you. You’re angry at the betrayal from your ex and this kid personifies it every time you see him. I have no doubt you loved him from the moment you met him. But I also suspect it changed for you the moment you realized that who he is, is not who you thought he was. That seems pretty normal.
That’s not your fault. That’s not Michael’s fault. It just is what it is. But you’re here now. If you told me you were done with Michael, I could understand that. If you told me you were going to be a dad to the boy, I could understand it too. You’re in a hell of a place, and I’m glad I’m on my side of the keyboard tonight.
But the problem remains. I would encourage you to consider this:
Michael is going to be a part of your life whether you like it or not. He’s Jacob’s half-brother. When Jacob gets married someday, Michael could be his best man. When Jacob has kids, Michael is going to be their uncle. You’re never going to be able to not have to deal with Michael as long as you are being a dad to Jacob. You are going to be dealing with Michael at some level for the rest of your life. It’s not right or wrong. It’s not good or bad. It’s just reality.
So, with that reality, it is up to you to determine the relationship you want to have. Just bear in mind that Jacob will see your relationship. How you treat Michael will impact how Jacob views you. It will also shape how Jacob acts if he becomes a dad someday.
I’m not telling you in any way that Michael is your financial burden. He isn’t. He has a dad that, I gather from your post, has the cash to do his part. And I’m not telling you that you are expected to be a substitute father to Michael. What I would encourage you to consider is maintaining a bond with Michael to the extent you can manage it emotionally because doing so is good for Jacob. Doing so will be hard. You’re going to face that betrayal each time you do and you’re going to relive those emotions. I don’t wish that on anyone. But you have to wrestle with that for the good of Jacob, who IS your son.
I would encourage you to visit with a counselor to help you sort out your emotions toward your ex and toward Michael. Again this isn’t for their benefit, it is for your benefit and for Jacob’s. That’s it.
Finally, I want to leave you with a story. I know a man who was in a similar situation to yours. He was engaged to a woman who got pregnant. He found out after the baby was born and he was raising her as the father he thought he was, that mom was screwing his best man. The tests showed the girl was not his. This man chose to stay in that little girl’s life. If you could talk to him, he would tell it was brutal on him emotionally because of his rage toward his ex. But he loved that little girl from the moment she was born and that didn’t just go away. He gave her away at her wedding last year.
I’m not going to tell you that you will have–or even want to have–that relationship with Michael. Nor am I going to tell you that walking away makes you a bad person if that is what you choose to do–because Michael is NOT YOUR KID and what was done to you was horrible and unfair. All I am asking is that you consider how your actions will impact you and will impact Jacob now and in the future. And please, sit down with a professional to work through your emotions on this. No one should do this alone.
I hope that you find peace with whatever you choose to do and I wish you much luck.
Here’s what situations like this come down to: no matter what, it is NOT purely black and white.
This man doesn’t want to raise another man’s child, especially one who was “his” under these circumstances.. Totally understandable. I wouldn’t want to either. But he’s now in a predicament with his real child, and something like this is going to have huge liabilities on that kid’s upbringing, and therefore – his entire life. Kids are vulnerable when they’re young. This is one of those potential “scared for life” situations.
When it’s a direct, hurtful impact on your own offspring, I’d imagine the pain resonates backwards.
And what it comes down to is this…
This man very well might end up raising the cuck child to an extent, no matter how small. The lesson we all need to take away from this is that from the beginning:
Screening the shit out of her matters.
Evaluating her more as a business partner instead of a lustful object of desire matters.
Maybe even going as far as to try to tempt her into cheating isn’t a bad idea.
And more than anything…
Abundance mentality matters. If you don’t have enough girls, you’ll marry the first one who pities you.
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