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Dating In America: Does It Ever Get Better?

There’s a blog called Maverick Traveler that I really enjoy reading. He comes from a similar tech background that I do, but said goodbye to that horrible Corporate America life and has lived abroad for quite a few years now. I was parsing through some of his posts the other night, and ran across one titled ‘Why American Dating Is Nothing More Than A Frustrating Exercise In Futility‘, which really struck home after my recent experiences in Colombia.

In this post, he compares and contrasts the differences between going on a date with an American girl versus how he is treated overseas. His message was very similar to what I was trying to get out when I wrote American Girls Vs. Colombian Girls, but is done in a much more in-depth and artful way.

Just read this part, and I’ll get to the meat of my post.

If the woman isn’t looking to settle down or get married in the near future, then do you really think she’d put much effort into the date she’s having with you now at the bar? Probably not. She’ll enjoy the date but won’t really go the extra mile to impress you in any way.

That explains why one of my good friends is having such a rough time navigating the dating scene in San Francisco—an ultraliberal city with super independent women. (I’ve lived there for many years and never plan to return.)

For a while, he was going out with a 33-year-old woman. Things didn’t work out because she suddenly decided to “start her life over” and move to Europe. Then he began going out with a 37-year-old Americanized Russian woman. After several months things cooled down, became awkward, and she eventually told him that “she is not ready to settle down.”

It’s possible that my friend has no game with women. But such thinking just reinforces your prejudices. My friend shouldn’t need great game to be with an average girl who’s in the same league as him. He doesn’t need to be rich or look like Brad Pitt. Being a capable man with a decent job should be enough—unless, of course, you live in a society where people never ever plan to settle down and going on dates becomes nothing more than a routine hobby with zero expectations.

Where else in the world can a 37-year-old woman be this carefree and picky? I’m talking about a woman in her mid-late-30s, not some 22-year-old girl who’s just starting her life and doesn’t care about a serious relationship.

These five paragraphs nail down everything that is wrong with American dating. An average guy should be able to get an average girl, provided he isn’t a total fucktard.

Your average cubicle monkey with no game, but a steady programmer paycheck of six figures should be able to keep an average – we’ll say 7 – girl around by having a bit of confidence and provider mode game. But it’s not even remotely possible. Most of the men I know that fall into this category are spending their nights, and lives – home alone.

I’ll just myself as an example next – and I promise, I’m really not trying to brag here. I work out six days a week, and have excellent style. My game is well above average, I’d go as far as to say at an advanced level. I make six figures. I’ve traveled the world a decent amount by now. I play guitar very well. I cook better than any American girl I’ve met. I’ve self published three books and have other interests.

On paper, I’m supposedly every girl’s dream.

I date above average girls, but I work to do so. Nor can I date cute 7s with relative ease, either. It’s still work. It’s work to get them out on a date, it’s work to get them to bond to me, and work to build anything of substance with them. Perhaps not surprisingly, sex is probably the easiest thing to obtain with them provided you can put up with the gossipy nonsense spewing from their mouth. And sure, easy sex is great and all, but…it’s just not the same. It’s hard to get excited about yet another date where you might get your dick wet, knowing full well that you’re simply entertainment for the evening. The woman you’re going out with has no inclination to pursue anything of deeper meaning with you, because as Maverick said – she never plans to settle down.

This is drastically different in comparison to foreign women, who will make a strong effort to build something deeper with you.

American Girls Just Don’t Care

I graduated college in 2012, but my freshmen year was 2009. As recently as six years ago, there was a sort of expectation that things would progress with a girl if the following milestones were met:

  • If you kissed a girl on a first date, you would get a second date.
  • If you kissed her the night you met her (say, at a club), you would probably get a date. It wasn’t a guarantee, but probably a 50/50 shot.
  • If you got her phone number at a bar, there was probably a 50/50 shot she returned your text the next day.
  • If you had sex with her on a first date, there would be a second date.
  • If you had sex with her three times, the power was in your hand. It would be up to you what you wanted to do with the relationship.

But now…

  • If you kiss a girl on the first date, it is absolutely no guarantee of a second date.
  • If you kiss her the night you meet her (say, at a club), I’d say you have a 30-40% chance of getting a date. I’d also bet you weren’t the only guy she kissed that night.
  • If you get a phone number at a bar, there’s probably a 30% chance you get a text back. Last weekend my buddy (who has a ton of game) got three numbers. One response, who five days later has gone dead. I got two numbers, one of whom returned my text but has now gone cold.
  • If you have sex on the first date that is absolutely zero guarantee of a second date.
  • If you have sex three times, you still do have the power – but it’s not as much as it. She could still just fall off the radar at any moment.

When Does It Get “Easy”?

There are some people that say we should all just forget about the decline that’s happening in the American dating life. The solution is supposedly to make more money, improve your game even more, and sleep with even more women.

Forget that. It’s exhausting. Maverick sums it up well:

American dating is a frustrating exercise in futility. It’s about going through predictable motions: showing up; meeting the girl; debating various politically correct topics that have already been debated to death countless times; having a few drinks and then leaving with absolutely zero future expectations.

It’s frustrating and pointless precisely because it’s designed to be frustrating and pointless from the ground up. That’s what happens when you live  in a culture that not only fails to inspire people to create long-lasting human relationships, but instead works in the exact opposite direction by discouraging you—and failing that—punishes you dearly from even attempting to try.

Which begs the question – when does it get better for an American? At what point does dating become fun and easy? When you have a net worth of $5 million? Do 9s magically appear on your doorstep, and 8s become easy to keep around? Perhaps, but then you must consider what that net worth of $5 million could do for you in another country. And whilst I encourage men to be the best they can be in all aspects of their life, there comes a certain point where dating (and trying to perhaps find a wife) in American just seems like insanity.

Nobody should sell themselves short in regards to making money and self-improvement, but if the only option is dancing around like a monkey in the hopes of getting laid – perhaps the juice isn’t worth the squeeze.

  • December 19, 2015
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