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John Mayer, When Did You Become Such A Pussy?

Okay, okay, maybe John Mayer (JM) has always had a bit of pussy personality.  There’s a reason songs like Your Body Is A Wonderland were written…

…and Daughters is a bit on the faggoty side as well…

…admittedly, even newer songs like Half Of My Heart don’t exactly give off the most masculine of vibes…

Despite songs like the above, I will say this, I have the utmost respect for John Mayer as a musician and guitarist.  Though some people will hate on me for saying this, he is honestly one of the best guitarists of our generation.  There’s not many guitarists of any “major” bands that can compete with him on a skill level.  From acoustic songs like Neon, Who Says and Stop This Train, to bluesy-rock ballads like Gravity, Belief, and Vultures, JM is a pretty damn versatile guitarist.  I mean, look at some of the riffs in this song:

Now that I’m done sucking JM’s dick though, I have to say, he’s one of the worst examples of masculinity on the entire fucking planet.  Dating Jennifer Aniston’s washed-up, wrinkled face is one thing, but JM takes it to a whole new level by not only dating Katy Perry (who was once married to Russell Brand, and although he’s an idiot, he’s an alpha), but composing this vomit-inducing video in which he features her:

Forgetting the fact that Ms. Perry is ruined for life as Brand’s alpha widow, the sheer fact that Mayer would feature her on the soundtrack of his latest “hit” tells all.

Admittedly though, I don’t hate the melody.  The guitar riffs are catchy, as always.  But…the video?

Get me a vomit bag.

John Mayer has hit what is the equivalent of the wall for a 35 year old woman; he’s left begging for more famous artists to record with him so he can sell records.  The problem is, by asking his much more popular, and likely someday richer girlfriend, to feature with him, is that that he’s giving up all power in his relationship.  Here’s one of the great guitarists of the last 15 years, who could turn 99% of American girls’ pussies into Niagra Falls, somehow dating ABOVE his current fame level to a girl who everyone knows is ruined by a long-haired British fucktard.

Inevitably, Katy’s innermost desires, and therefore, her nether regions, will yearn for an alpha man who laughs in her face when she asks to be featured on his latest soundtrack.  Someone who would put her in her rightful place and tell her that she has no business producing records.  That no self-respecting man would ever like her crappy music (but fuck, it’s catchy).  A man that would tell her the only thing that made her famous in the first place are her enormous titties:

kinky_gifs_of_katy_perrys_boobs_14

Well, fuck me, I just said it.

So, Katy, when you tire of John’s sappy, beta love songs, give me a call.  I’m about half the guitarist he is, but at least my balls have dropped.

Read More: I No Longer Write Songs For Girls

  • January 16, 2014
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