Relationship Game: What Your Anger, Or Lack Of, Says
There were two instances last week in which Holly, my relatively new girlfriend, was not respectful of me. I had to put her in her place.
The first was Friday night. I told her I had plans with the guys around 9. She asked if she could stop by after work for a quickie tentatively around 7, depending on her new roommate moving in. I said that was fine. By 6:30, I hadn’t heard anything from her. I texted her, “quickie”, and she said she couldn’t because her roommate was on her way. Fair enough, it didn’t ruin my night. However, it was not acceptable that I had to reach out in these circumstances. I needed to know whether to prepare some extra food for her, and if she wasn’t coming, I wanted to get a nap in beforehand. She didn’t respect my time.
Saturday morning, she asked if I wanted to hang out at night. She asked if I could pick her up after she was going to a day drinking pool party at her friends. I had plans to go to the auto show during the day, but none at night. I agreed, since I had no desire to drink Saturday night after doing so Friday. At 3:30, she said it would be a while before she was ready. At 6:00, I texted her back and told her I was hungry, and asking when I was going to pick her up. She didn’t respond until about 10:00pm. She fell asleep on her friend’s couch. Once again, complete disrespect of my time.
Reward slowly, punish swiftly.
I got angry, and rightfully so. The fact that I was angry shows I am a high value man whose time is valuable. My masculine sense was telling me that my status is such that I found Holly’s behavior was unacceptable in these circumstances. So I put her in her place. She called me and I told her it was unacceptable. We talked about it on the phone briefly and then said goodnight after a bit of back and forth. She apologized profusely, she could sense the anger in my voice.
I had already rolled solo dolo to a bar to socialize, and enjoyed my night.
Likewise, if I had NOT expressed my emotions, it would have telegraphed that I feel my value is such that I didn’t have the right to express the fact that I was not happy with the situation. In other words, that her value was higher than mine. It would telegraph to her that I was a low-value man who would put up with her shit even when she is out of line.
That, I am not.
So when I saw her a few days later, the first thing I did was tell her to sit on the couch. I laid it all out: I was not upset, and was not going to fight, but I was displeased with the way she behaved. I told her she could never do what she did again. I told her in general, too, that she needed to be more respectful of my time, and that I didn’t appreciate her being late like she has a habit of doing. She apologized again and told me she would not waste my time like that again, and she would make a better effort to be on time.
She’s been on time 2 for 2 since.
Now, some people would have told me to ignore/”next” her for a couple of days. Make myself unavailable and immerse myself in other ways to punish her. It’s just not me, I don’t want to be bothered doing that kind of stuff. While the “logical arguments” never work on girls, simply being stern and setting expectations seemed to be effective in this case. Being willing to speak your mind, and being willing to say, “this is unacceptable”, while telegraphing that you will walk if it continues, is as high value as it gets.
It shows you’ve got your temper in check (not that a little temper isn’t bad once in a while), and that your anger is justified.
Of course it’s justified. You’re a man. Do not feel you must be devoid of emotion. Instead, know when to express it and how to.
That says a lot about you.
Read More: Relationship Game: Always Be Growing