I Couldn’t Go Dark: I Now Have A Girlfriend, And…Said Girlfriend Found My Blog
Regular readers of this site will likely be sitting mouths agape at the title of this post. So much drama, I know, I know. Contain your excitement, dear readers, for the whole story is below. In the span of one Sunday afternoon, I came to the realization I was going down a dark, dark path, gave up my player’s coat, acquired a girlfriend, and found out that she had discovered my blog. Well, not the first time it’s happened.
How’s that for my life being flipped upside down rather quickly?
Let’s start off with the happier news. Holly and I are together. This means that there will be no more field reports – sans nights out when I can help my buddies score and break down their seduction process. Although, I realized I never wrote a field report about the first time we hooked up (it was about the same time I started my blog), so I might get around to that sometime. Question now is, how did we get to this point? Read this post for a recap for what’s happened so far.
When Holly left my house just before Christmas things were undecided. I could tell there had been a further turning of the tables – as in she really liked me when she left, more so than when she came. The night before she left, she asked me, “Are you still fucking other girls?”
I responded with brutal honesty, and told her yes. The color left her face, and it looked like I’d just stabbed her in the heart with a knife; twisting it in with a menace. It was enough that I felt bad about it. However, she still didn’t press for a commitment. I, despite Holly growing on me immensely, still wanted to be out playing the field. Seems like an ideal situation, right? Have one or two girls who dote on you a ton and are always available, and still have a few fucks on the side here and there, without a guilty conscious?
Well, you loyal readers of This Is Trouble and the ‘Sphere in general should be aware that this is entirely possible. But…how many people can pull it off?
Let’s be clear first and foremost: this is not a soft harem type of deal I was playing with. Danny The Stunning Model from 504 has one of the best, if not the best, basic guide for soft harems in that last link. I’d done the soft harem thing before, but what I had going on with three girls was beyond that – as there were feelings involved with all of them, on both sides. And they were all aware they were not the only one. Now that seems like an ideal situation, right? Pulling off multiple relationships at the same time – to the point where you are always sexually satisfied, and always are in a good position because you can walk away at any moment? In which all women involved are NOT kept at arms length, and they fall hopelessly in love with you while you reap the benefits of multiple women’s affections in the forms of gifts, sex, and feminine company?
That, readers, is a terribly dark game that I did not want to play.
I walked away.
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I decided I couldn’t continue hurting Holly or the other two girls. Perhaps the mistake I made was actually mentioning that I had other girls to each other, but I am a big, big subscriber of total honesty. I can agree and amplify it for a while, but if you start getting serious with someone, they are eventually going to want answers. Most of the time, they deserve answers and honesty. Could I have kept Holly around and continued seeing other girls? Yes, for a period of time, I definitely could have. However, I knew every time that I inevitably dodged a “What did you do this weekend?”, she would know. Every time, I would twist that knife a little deeper into her heart. Every time I saw one of these other two girls, I would be drawing their bond to me closer, making it inevitable that I would be stabbing them in the heart just as painfully.
My own heart couldn’t take it.
I returned to San Diego from Sacramento on Friday, the same day Holly was due to return to San Diego.
“What time are you getting home? I want to stop by.”
I received that from her while driving down the desolate, barren roads of I5. Unfortunately I already had plans with another girl that night, and felt a tinge of guilt as I replied that I wouldn’t be getting back in until late. The next night, she texted me asking if I’d come and spend the night…as I’m out at a bar with the third girl. Another pang of guilt. As the girl on Saturday night nuzzled up to me at the bar, resting her head on my shoulder, I felt wildly conflicted.
Here I was, basically a year down my red pill journey, which, when it began, contained exactly one notch on my belt.
Now, here I was, with three girls that were fucking me silly and all having, or at least developing, deep feelings for me. My dilemma was: do I go dark and let all three fall in love with me, and see if my game is really that good? Or, do I do what feels right in my heart?
Go ahead, go puke yourself over how cheesy that last sentence was.
I went to Holly’s on Sunday afternoon with no real idea of what was actually going to happen. We got to talking about our trip, what my family had thought of her, and what she had told her friends and family about me. As I lay on her bed stroking her hair, I realized I didn’t want to continue to hurt this girl no matter how greatly I was reaping the benefits; nor did I want to continue hurting any other girls. I knew the longer I kept playing the dark game, the more heartbreak there would be, and the more blood on my hands there would be.
It was not a situation where I spilled my heart and said something along the lines of, “Babyyyyy I need you in my life, will you be my girlfriend?” Fuck no.
I summed up to her what I had been thinking about. I told her I was playing a dangerous game in which there was going to be a lot of hurt for everyone involved, including her. I told her that the walls we were putting up between each other, while designed to protect ourselves, were only hurting each other. I told her that we were going to be together, and that if she was not okay with that, I respected that but that I’d probably have to walk away at some point soon.
Once she got over the initial shock, a huge smile broke across her face. That settled it. She ‘fessed up to some stuff she’d been thinking about in regards to us, and all seemed well. Then she dropped a bomb…
“So…TroubleMaker, how was your weekend?”
No doubt, I had a deer in headlights look on my face. How the fuck did she find it? Well, a while ago I read her my Fear Of Regret post. Note: I *read* it to her, out loud, and didn’t even let her look at the screen. Unfortunately for me, Googling “the fear of regret” turns up my blog on the third page. When she saw the “The real truth about life is trouble. 22-year-old West Coast based…” headline at the top of my site, she knew it was me. As you can imagine, she had some questions about posts like I Receive A Hand-Written Thank You Note For An Orgasm, Field Report: 5 girls in 5 days. Day 5 & RECAP, and the few other various things I had written about her.
Of course, amidst her rage of finding it and reading all of my exploits, she told a couple of her friends and provided them the web address. We had a good talk and I made it clear though that she would not be sharing that with anyone else. Nor will she be commenting and involving herself deeply in this part of my life unless I give explicit permission.
Isn’t that right, dear?
As for her friends…well, hi to you girls to!
Between the three of them, though, I’m sure they’ve read the majority of my posts and I’ve probably given answers to the majority of the questions they may have. Thankfully, I’ve been nothing but honest from the start with her. She knew about the blog, and the content I wrote about (though probably not exactly what she had imagined). She knew I wanted to help guys turn their lives around. She knew I was vulgar.
I will continue to be all of these things. The overall sassy and vulgar writing style will stay the same. Obviously, the content will be changing slightly as I adapt from my life of playing the field to (hopefully) happily in a relationship. I have no doubt I will be learning tons about relationships, and think I am in a unique position to offer some insight – both with being one of the younger writers around here, as well as being one of the few that will be in a monogamous relationship. Readers, I’m promising you now: this blog will not go defunct with another ‘Sphere writer falling off the grid because he got a bad case of oneitis.
You have my commitment, much like Holly does.
As long as she doesn’t get fat.
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