49

Coming To Terms With My Own Fear Of Commitment

Read the posts here and here to get the background of this.  Here’s a snip:

We’re approaching the end of the night.  I’m at such ease with myself, and my environment, I’m literally sprawled across the couch.  I’ve got my legs up and I’m taking up half of it, leaning back like a king overlooking his kingdom.  Holly is cuddled up next to me and in her slightly buzzed state is becoming quite talkative…about me.  About how she feels about me, how she loves that I made such good friends with everyone and could mingle around, and that…she thinks she wants more, but doesn’t know for sure, she’s confused.  I ask her flat out what she wants from me, and she says that she wants monogamy, but not the title.  I chuckle and tell her that with monogamy typically comes the boyfriend/girlfriend title.  Eventually, she fesses up that she really likes me and would like to be with just me, but doesn’t want to force me into anything I’m not ready for.  She says that I’m enough for her that she won’t want to see other people (and hasn’t been for a while, unbeknownst to me).  I decide while she’s spilling her heart that it’s okay to turn off the alpha and throw her a bone, admitting that I have been seeing “less” other girls because she has become more interesting and important to me.  This isn’t a lie, but I attribute part of that due to the increasingly cold weather and increased productivity in my writing of late.

I’m torn on this.  I’ve banged more women since April of this year than I had in my entire life up to this point.  I can cold approach in broad daylight.  I’ve been on dozens of dates and talked to hundreds more women.  I’ve gone on such a whirlwind journey over this last year, yet Holly is the one that’s still around and has me intrigued.  Maybe there’s a REASON why.  Maybe it’s because I finally found someone worth my attention, resources, and time. What do I fear then?  I think I fear life WITHOUT game.  In a way, I feel like that’s a large part holding the attraction to her.  I’m questioning myself: have I developed the mental fortitude and willpower to be able to hold my frame and build something when I can’t just seduce another woman the next day?  Abundance quantity will be gone.

I’m admitting it, I fear that giving up other girls will cause her to lose a very large part of her attraction to me.  It’s tough to admit this, because I know I’m a man that any girl would be lucky to be with, to earn my commitment, and to keep me intrigued enough to want to build something with her. I am a man, but men are not devoid of emotions and feelings.  As much as many of us bloggers would like to think we are,  I am not a 24/7 rock of alpha who is immune of any deep feelings towards the opposite gender.  I genuinely care about this girl and her well-being, and it’s not easy to do, but I can man up enough to admit that it terrifies me that I like the idea of being with her. Over our two days together, she did two things which caught my eye.

    1. When bringing up commitment she flat-out said, “I don’t want to force you into anything you’re not ready for.  I understand and don’t want to tie you down and make you miserable.  Just let me know when you’re ready…because I am.”
    2. She said something that wasn’t cool, and apologized immediately when she saw the look on my face.  Maybe not a big deal, but from experience, most girls seem incapable of recognizing their wrongs and giving a sincere apology these days.

…On one side, at this point in my life, I’ve worked really hard on my game.  I like going on dates (note: *dates*, I do not enjoy going out to bars to try and pull as much) and the thrill of the hunt.  I don’t want to give that up.  She knows about my blog (but I won’t let her read it), and I just feel like all of the blogging success, and what I’m hoping will turn into a little side business, will wither and die if I commit to her.  Plus I’ve submitted vacation and am planning a trip to Europe in March.  So if I commit, what am I going to do then?  Write movie reviews and share recipes?  I don’t need to be writing about game every day, I have plenty of other ideas, but game is a big part of my life.

…on the other side, I’m not as cynical and jaded as many men in the Manosphere who are so anti commitment/relationship.  I’m really not THAT opposed to it and I’m more of a laid-back kinda guy myself.  I was never burned particularly bad by a single girl.  I don’t particularly like going out multiple times a week and am content to stay home, cook, and watch movies.  Hence why I’d like to do more daygame, but it is difficult with a 9-6 job.

In a way, part of me thinks, why the hell not give it a shot?  I wouldn’t mind a break away from multiple new dates a week, spitting the same lines and using the same routines to get a girl to spread her legs.  I would still go out with the guys and cold approach, and being with her wouldn’t slow me down on writing my book at all.  I think Pete over at Manosphere Radio gave it a great summary in an email to me:

Things will sort themselves out by March. Either you’ve kept her as a main girl but very casual and managed to maintain it, kept her on the side but then lost her to other offers/or her being sick of it, seriously dated her and things didn’t work out or seriously dated and stayed with her. No one’s going to kill you if you don’t write about game every week. If she cares about you enough you guys will do the long distance thing while you’re in Europe (long distance sucks, trust me). But it will take an additional effort to maintain all your current activities in addition to a girlfriend. You must decide if she is worth the extra expense (you would probably already know if you asked yourself out loud).

I think Pete brings up a good point, it’s simply a commitment to seeing what happens, I’m not committing to her for a year, a decade, or a lifetime.  I’m just committing to seeing if there’s more.  I’m committing to letting a girl who has earned it continue to prove herself as a worthy person to have on my side.  On the flip side, it’s also a commitment to myself to get out of it if it becomes stale, or I feel she’s holding me back from more in my life.  A commitment that she is not my life, she is just another part of it because she has earned that right.

I’m not doing anything until she brings it up again, but for now, a commitment to admitting my fear seems like a good start.

Really big thanks to Pete, Jeremy, and Kaitlyn for all of their thoughts on this.

  • December 1, 2013
  • Howdy. You do indeed find yourself at a decision point

    First let me point out – as I’ve said so many times – this is the difference between a Man or Woman and a feminist. As a Man you have the ability to self-examine because you have self-awareness. Feminists don’t because they don’t.

    Okay, got that out of the way.

    Here are some thoughts and questions for you which are worth exactly what you are paying for them.

    Is game really about sex with lots of different women? Maybe so. But isn’t game really about being able to intrigue, fascinate and attract women? That has to come prior to having sex with them. I said “come”. Let’s say you do hook up long term with Holly. Wouldn’t you want to keep intriguing and fascinating her?

    My current opinion is that game is always a means to an end. That end might be lots of random sex. That end might be monogamous marriage. That end might be anything in between. You decide what’s best for you based on where you are and where you wanna go.

    So long as you know your standards for a long term relationship and communicate them to a willing partner are you actually giving any thing up?

    Are you able to willingly meet her standards for being a long term partner?

    I think Pete called it right. Give it a spin and see what happens. If things don’t work out then it’s a learning experience.

    From what I’ve read in your posts here Holly sounds like she’s Woman and those are hard to come by these days. I said “hard” and “come”. Sticking with it to see what happens might be worth your time.

    • Hey Dude, good to hear from you. I’ve got a post going up about your podcast this week.

      Is game really about sex with lots of different women? Maybe so. But isn’t game really about being able to intrigue, fascinate and attract women? That has to come prior to having sex with them. I said “come”. Let’s say you do hook up long term with Holly. Wouldn’t you want to keep intriguing and fascinating her?

      Of course. I don’t think I’d get complacent, either. I have too many goals. I already have my list of 2014 goals I’m going to publish soon. To be honest, I see your point. As long as she is meeting my expectations for a long-term partnership, then am I giving anything up? No, not really. If she starts not meeting those expectations and then I don’t do anything about it, that’s my fault for being a pussy.

      I think I just fear backtracking and losing all the progress I’ve made. I can think of it as an opportunity for developing my “longterm/relationship” game – because I’m definitely not the guy who learned game just to get tons and tons of random notches.

      She’s definitely a “Woman” who has fallen into my frame. She was almost bitchy at first but has gotten sweeter and sweeter over the months as I’ve gradually shattered her frame and brought her into mine.

      Thanks for your thoughts and advice.

  • Tin Man says:

    First of all, you’re too young – keep gaming, your questions, are really for someone much older. The key is mentality of “plenty” — you only have to worry about what you’re talking about when there is one of them left and hundreds of guys wanting her – and if she’s yours, that means fighting off the hungry hordes.

    Until that time, or when you decide to settle down and have kids (even then, there is evidence that you can continue with side woman) – it’s the whole revolving door thing. They come, they go, they come, they go. You are the constant.

    Now, for me, I just need to get laid by the first couple ones. We are in totally different places. But I’m like the old bull talking to the young bull over looking the herd in the pasture below. The young one says “hey, let’s run down there and fuck one” and the old bull says “let’s walk down there and fuck ’em all”.

    • That’s just it though — I want her as my primary in an open long term deal. Will she fuck a few other guys? Probably. But when she sees that doesn’t make me jealous, she’ll probably give up on that. No issues with committing to her emotionally. She’s not down with that situation, though.

      If I keep going like this, she’ll continue to fall for me and will bring it up again. Unless I can change her mind on that, then eventually this process will continue until I commit or she leaves.

      She is important to me but I recognize there are other girls out there. I’m setting up a few dates for this week…I’ll see if she’s on my mind when I’m on them.

  • Tin Man says:

    First of all, you’re too young – keep gaming, your questions, are really for someone much older. The key is mentality of “plenty” — you only have to worry about what you’re talking about when there is one of them left and hundreds of guys wanting her – and if she’s yours, that means fighting off the hungry hordes.

    Until that time, or when you decide to settle down and have kids (even then, there is evidence that you can continue with side woman) – it’s the whole revolving door thing. They come, they go, they come, they go. You are the constant.

    Now, for me, I just need to get laid by the first couple ones. We are in totally different places. But I’m like the old bull talking to the young bull over looking the herd in the pasture below. The young one says “hey, let’s run down there and fuck one” and the old bull says “let’s walk down there and fuck ’em all”.

    • That’s just it though — I want her as my primary in an open long term deal. Will she fuck a few other guys? Probably. But when she sees that doesn’t make me jealous, she’ll probably give up on that. No issues with committing to her emotionally. She’s not down with that situation, though.

      If I keep going like this, she’ll continue to fall for me and will bring it up again. Unless I can change her mind on that, then eventually this process will continue until I commit or she leaves.

      She is important to me but I recognize there are other girls out there. I’m setting up a few dates for this week…I’ll see if she’s on my mind when I’m on them.

      • Unless I can change her mind on that, then eventually this process will continue until I commit or she leaves

        I’ve had this conversation with a few girls. You’re either monogamous or you aren’t. You’ll find girls that try at having open relationships fall into the pitfalls of monogamous thinking and values. Leopard ≠ stripes.

        However you would know her better than anyone else at this point.

        On the flip side however, an open relationship is what both parties bring to the table. My take? I don’t care if my partner fucks other people. He/she has to be in our bed that night is the deal and not smelling like someone else. I am a priority. If there’s an issue, I expect my partner to drop his/her current fuck and attend. I will return in kind.

        If you are still really interested in this girl, you might want to get her to read “The Ethical Slut” it’s a bloody fantastic book on open relationships, monogamy, any relationship, dealing with jealousy, boundaries, etc etc etc. I can’t harp on about it enough.

  • dannyfrom504 says:

    well well well. look what we have here.

    let’s address girl. she’s 26. which means she’s hit the wall, especially living in cali. the fact that you justify her “looking 19” is hamsterbation. SO WHAT. ask yourself this- if she’s so hot and 26, why is she still single. if she has a kid……RUN. if not, she’s full on baby rabies. she might say “she’s willing to commit to just you but doesn’t want to force you into something is womanese for “i’m willing to commit to you and am going to do whatever it takes to make you mine.”

    i’m sure she’s a very cool girl. but ask yourself, “would she acting like this if she were 22?” i’m willing to concede she’s been cool to other bf’s and been cheated on (that’s the cali girl dilemna), but you didn’t make the rules there. but, she’s looking long term. for you long term is a few months.

    the fact that you’d be willing to cheat on her is telling as well. karma’s a bitch. if girls been honest with you, and it sounds like she has, let her go. don’t be “that guy”. i’m not an advocate of dark game.

    lastly, you’re young and you still have to get all that random fucking out your system. your blue pill side is still pretty strong. red-pill isn’t about being an asshole it’s about being a better you and understanding the truth about the SMP. i don’t fell sorry for women, they’re responsible for guys becoming what we have.

    she’s hot, so the fuck what. what does she have to offer me besides being a peice of arm candy with a degree? do yourself a favor and read my latest post. it’s addressed to guys your age.

    hope this helps.

  • It’s really interesting to read your honest thought process as this unfolds. Look forward to reading more, keep us updated! And good luck with whatever you decide. Seems like you’re a pretty strong man and will end up with the best kind of outcome.

    • Thanks Kaitlyn.

      Ultimately it’s my decision and I’m the one that has to live with it at the end of the day. To be honest, I’m not sure why I want everyone’s opinion on it…because it doesn’t make it any easier. lol

  • It’s really interesting to read your honest thought process as this unfolds. Look forward to reading more, keep us updated! And good luck with whatever you decide. Seems like you’re a pretty strong man and will end up with the best kind of outcome.

    • Thanks Kaitlyn.

      Ultimately it’s my decision and I’m the one that has to live with it at the end of the day. To be honest, I’m not sure why I want everyone’s opinion on it…because it doesn’t make it any easier. lol

  • Hello again – first of let me thank you for the upcoming mention. I do appreciate it greatly.

    I read thru all these other comments and with friends like these how could you go wrong. There is some fine wisdom posted up there and I can’t say I disagree with any of it.

    The best three words came from Mike. “Unicorn not found.” Know what your unicorn looks like and behaves like and be honest if you’ve found her or not. If your unicorn includes an open relationship then it ain’t her.

    Mike is also correct about getting older. As I’ve said many times (I repeat myself over and over) as men get older they get better – as women get older they get older. It’s not popular with the feminists but neither am I.

    Danny laid some fucking golden words down. I’d listen to him was I you. Of course I’m “old” and made plenty of mistakes as well. When I was your age I was stupid as cold shit on a paper plate.

    One thing I’ll say for sure – don’t cheat on her. ‘Cause that means lying to her and once to lie to a woman she has all the power. Look her dead in the eye and say “last night I fucked your sister” then let her hamsters deal with it.

    Whatever you do DON’T GET HER PREGNANT!!!! Didn’t mean to shout but couldn’t help myself.

  • Okay so first of all thank you for sharing your story & this whole process – it’s actually helped shed some light on some of my previous situations.

    Having said that, speaking from experience, I would say keep doing what you do. Hang with her as often as you like. See other girls whenever you like. There’s no need to have a ‘discussion’ about it.

    If she brings it up, you’re going to be your honest self and tell her that you like her a lot but can’t see yourself committing to one person right now.

    She will do one of the two things:

    1) Respect your honesty. Realize she wants you in her life regardless of whether it’s exclusive, and cope with it. This won’t go down without her bringing it up every now and then, but if you stand firm, it will pretty much go down like what Kaitlyn has described.

    2) Respect your honesty. Realize she’s too jealous to handle this kind of situation, and leave.

    But here’s the catch: She WILL come back. When she ventures out there and starts going on date with other men to try & forget you, she will realize how mediocre all these men are. She will find herself not being able to laugh at anyone else’s jokes. Not being able to enjoy sex with other men. You will constantly be on her mind.

    And she will realize – as Kaitlyn (and a whole lot of other women including myself) had realized – that while it’s not an ideal situation, it does bring her happiness. And she will decide that the happiness makes it worth the pain she may go through.

    A third option is that she’ll leave and literally be gone. But honestly that rarely happens. And from the way you described her she seemed sweet and vulnerable, I am even more confident that this will not be an option.

    So – what exactly do you need to do? Well, nothing, except be yourself and be firm on what YOU want and are willing to accept.

    With this, you’ll get to enjoy the perks of being in a relationship, without the boring monogamy stuff.

    And it won’t be ‘cheating’ because you’ve never made any promises.

  • Okay so first of all thank you for sharing your story & this whole process – it’s actually helped shed some light on some of my previous situations.

    Having said that, speaking from experience, I would say keep doing what you do. Hang with her as often as you like. See other girls whenever you like. There’s no need to have a ‘discussion’ about it.

    If she brings it up, you’re going to be your honest self and tell her that you like her a lot but can’t see yourself committing to one person right now.

    She will do one of the two things:

    1) Respect your honesty. Realize she wants you in her life regardless of whether it’s exclusive, and cope with it. This won’t go down without her bringing it up every now and then, but if you stand firm, it will pretty much go down like what Kaitlyn has described.

    2) Respect your honesty. Realize she’s too jealous to handle this kind of situation, and leave.

    But here’s the catch: She WILL come back. When she ventures out there and starts going on date with other men to try & forget you, she will realize how mediocre all these men are. She will find herself not being able to laugh at anyone else’s jokes. Not being able to enjoy sex with other men. You will constantly be on her mind.

    And she will realize – as Kaitlyn (and a whole lot of other women including myself) had realized – that while it’s not an ideal situation, it does bring her happiness. And she will decide that the happiness makes it worth the pain she may go through.

    A third option is that she’ll leave and literally be gone. But honestly that rarely happens. And from the way you described her she seemed sweet and vulnerable, I am even more confident that this will not be an option.

    So – what exactly do you need to do? Well, nothing, except be yourself and be firm on what YOU want and are willing to accept.

    With this, you’ll get to enjoy the perks of being in a relationship, without the boring monogamy stuff.

    And it won’t be ‘cheating’ because you’ve never made any promises.

  • I still put money on dating her for a bit. I know that all the other guys say “you’re still young, spin more plates, don’t get her pregnant etc etc.” but for me relationships are part of the overall experience, if you’re not happy then walk. Am I the only guy who thinks monogamy isn’t a sin?

    • Around here…I think so, dude. Hah!

      • raywolf says:

        Hey… found your blog from RoK…

        I think the solution is to stay exactly the same… have a relationship where she knows you can always stray… make the terms of engagement clear and keep them that way…. you can only have sex so many times per day / week / month.. so if she wants monogamy… no worries… learn some skills and be available 24/7…

        think of sex like tennis… if you tennis partner doesn’t show why shouldn’t you knock your balls around with someone else ?

      • Ray,

        Thanks for stopping by. And thank you for contributing to ROK. I like your stuff.

        There may be another update on this situation soon, we’ll see. I agree with the points you make though.

        Keep up your great work.
        -TM.

  • I still put money on dating her for a bit. I know that all the other guys say “you’re still young, spin more plates, don’t get her pregnant etc etc.” but for me relationships are part of the overall experience, if you’re not happy then walk. Am I the only guy who thinks monogamy isn’t a sin?

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