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Coming To Terms With My Own Fear Of Commitment

Read the posts here and here to get the background of this.  Here’s a snip:

We’re approaching the end of the night.  I’m at such ease with myself, and my environment, I’m literally sprawled across the couch.  I’ve got my legs up and I’m taking up half of it, leaning back like a king overlooking his kingdom.  Holly is cuddled up next to me and in her slightly buzzed state is becoming quite talkative…about me.  About how she feels about me, how she loves that I made such good friends with everyone and could mingle around, and that…she thinks she wants more, but doesn’t know for sure, she’s confused.  I ask her flat out what she wants from me, and she says that she wants monogamy, but not the title.  I chuckle and tell her that with monogamy typically comes the boyfriend/girlfriend title.  Eventually, she fesses up that she really likes me and would like to be with just me, but doesn’t want to force me into anything I’m not ready for.  She says that I’m enough for her that she won’t want to see other people (and hasn’t been for a while, unbeknownst to me).  I decide while she’s spilling her heart that it’s okay to turn off the alpha and throw her a bone, admitting that I have been seeing “less” other girls because she has become more interesting and important to me.  This isn’t a lie, but I attribute part of that due to the increasingly cold weather and increased productivity in my writing of late.

I’m torn on this.  I’ve banged more women since April of this year than I had in my entire life up to this point.  I can cold approach in broad daylight.  I’ve been on dozens of dates and talked to hundreds more women.  I’ve gone on such a whirlwind journey over this last year, yet Holly is the one that’s still around and has me intrigued.  Maybe there’s a REASON why.  Maybe it’s because I finally found someone worth my attention, resources, and time. What do I fear then?  I think I fear life WITHOUT game.  In a way, I feel like that’s a large part holding the attraction to her.  I’m questioning myself: have I developed the mental fortitude and willpower to be able to hold my frame and build something when I can’t just seduce another woman the next day?  Abundance quantity will be gone.

I’m admitting it, I fear that giving up other girls will cause her to lose a very large part of her attraction to me.  It’s tough to admit this, because I know I’m a man that any girl would be lucky to be with, to earn my commitment, and to keep me intrigued enough to want to build something with her. I am a man, but men are not devoid of emotions and feelings.  As much as many of us bloggers would like to think we are,  I am not a 24/7 rock of alpha who is immune of any deep feelings towards the opposite gender.  I genuinely care about this girl and her well-being, and it’s not easy to do, but I can man up enough to admit that it terrifies me that I like the idea of being with her. Over our two days together, she did two things which caught my eye.

    1. When bringing up commitment she flat-out said, “I don’t want to force you into anything you’re not ready for.  I understand and don’t want to tie you down and make you miserable.  Just let me know when you’re ready…because I am.”
    2. She said something that wasn’t cool, and apologized immediately when she saw the look on my face.  Maybe not a big deal, but from experience, most girls seem incapable of recognizing their wrongs and giving a sincere apology these days.

…On one side, at this point in my life, I’ve worked really hard on my game.  I like going on dates (note: *dates*, I do not enjoy going out to bars to try and pull as much) and the thrill of the hunt.  I don’t want to give that up.  She knows about my blog (but I won’t let her read it), and I just feel like all of the blogging success, and what I’m hoping will turn into a little side business, will wither and die if I commit to her.  Plus I’ve submitted vacation and am planning a trip to Europe in March.  So if I commit, what am I going to do then?  Write movie reviews and share recipes?  I don’t need to be writing about game every day, I have plenty of other ideas, but game is a big part of my life.

…on the other side, I’m not as cynical and jaded as many men in the Manosphere who are so anti commitment/relationship.  I’m really not THAT opposed to it and I’m more of a laid-back kinda guy myself.  I was never burned particularly bad by a single girl.  I don’t particularly like going out multiple times a week and am content to stay home, cook, and watch movies.  Hence why I’d like to do more daygame, but it is difficult with a 9-6 job.

In a way, part of me thinks, why the hell not give it a shot?  I wouldn’t mind a break away from multiple new dates a week, spitting the same lines and using the same routines to get a girl to spread her legs.  I would still go out with the guys and cold approach, and being with her wouldn’t slow me down on writing my book at all.  I think Pete over at Manosphere Radio gave it a great summary in an email to me:

Things will sort themselves out by March. Either you’ve kept her as a main girl but very casual and managed to maintain it, kept her on the side but then lost her to other offers/or her being sick of it, seriously dated her and things didn’t work out or seriously dated and stayed with her. No one’s going to kill you if you don’t write about game every week. If she cares about you enough you guys will do the long distance thing while you’re in Europe (long distance sucks, trust me). But it will take an additional effort to maintain all your current activities in addition to a girlfriend. You must decide if she is worth the extra expense (you would probably already know if you asked yourself out loud).

I think Pete brings up a good point, it’s simply a commitment to seeing what happens, I’m not committing to her for a year, a decade, or a lifetime.  I’m just committing to seeing if there’s more.  I’m committing to letting a girl who has earned it continue to prove herself as a worthy person to have on my side.  On the flip side, it’s also a commitment to myself to get out of it if it becomes stale, or I feel she’s holding me back from more in my life.  A commitment that she is not my life, she is just another part of it because she has earned that right.

I’m not doing anything until she brings it up again, but for now, a commitment to admitting my fear seems like a good start.

Really big thanks to Pete, Jeremy, and Kaitlyn for all of their thoughts on this.

  • December 1, 2013
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