My Perfect Gym
In my perfect gym, nobody is doing bicep curls in the squat racks.
In my perfect gym, people aren’t using squat rack bars (smith) to do push-ups.
In my perfect gym, there are just more squat racks than most gyms.
In my perfect gym, there’s not lots of stupid TRX shit all over the place.
In my perfect gym, there more weights than treadmills.
In my perfect gym, treadmills only go <10 mph for 5 minutes for a warm up. After that, you must run at 10mph. If you want to walk or run at a steady, easy speed – fucking go outside. Treadmills are for tabatha sprints.
In my perfect gym, there are bro tanks allowed, but there is an exception. I do not want to see your fucking pepperoni nipples.
In my perfect gym, if you have unnecessary back hair and you wear bro tanks, you are not allowed in.
In my perfect gym, there are no old men sitting naked in the locker room just chatting.
In my perfect gym, there are weight belts so the best can do pull-ups with a two extra 45 pound plates attached to them.
In my perfect gym, grunting to lift heavy shit is allowed and encouraged. What’s not encouraged is being a weirdo and talking to yourself like a psycho to pump yourself up. I hear you from 100 feet away, dude. There is a line.
In my perfect gym, there are no silly fitness classes where you can have some dumbass who is probably fat themselves yell at you to work harder. You either have it, or you don’t.
In my perfect gym, trainers aren’t using the squat racks to do pull-ups with their clients.
In my perfect gym, the personal trainers are a testament to fitness. No fat trainers are allowed.
In my perfect gym, there is chalk.
In my perfect gym, mirrors are not used to admire yourself. They are used for perfect form. Once the admiring of yourself goes past a flex, any other member has the right to crack your skull with a 100 pound dumbbell.
In my perfect gym, any solicitation is strictly watched. If you chat for 5 minutes between sets, gtfo.
In my perfect gym, old men in spin class walking around in spandex will be banned.
In my perfect gym, there probably won’t be a lot of women members.
In my perfect gym, people come to be healthy because they have a passion or desire for it. Not because they “should.”
My perfect gym is a fantasy.