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A Letter To My College-Bound Sister

Kiddo,

Tomorrow begins the journey of the next four years of your life.  I am looking forward to helping you move into the dorms and flirting fucking your two cute roommates.  It’s hard to imagine that four years ago it was me going away to college, shortly after I had just seen you off to your first year of high school.  I’m sure there will be many tears between you and Mom over the next couple of days, but understand that these are growing pains and the goodbyes will come easier with due time.  I am writing this letter to you in the hopes that it will help you at some point in the next few years.

Your social life is more important than school.

Don’t let Mom and Dad know I told you this.  You will forget everything that you ever learned in all of your classes.  You might not use your degree, at all.  I don’t.  I know this sounds awfully harsh, but hear me out.  Now, you do need to pass your classes.  You should do your best to get good grades.  What I’m saying though, is don’t let it consume you.  You don’t need to have a 4.0 like you did in high school.  You’re smart enough that you should be able to pull a 3.0 with a little work.  In the end, it doesn’t really matter what your GPA is, as long as you have that piece of paper that says you graduated (and I’d even debate the merit of having that piece of paper)…because…

It’s all about who you know.  That’s what gets you into a career if that’s the route you want to take with your life.  I know you want children and a family, you may decide it is beneficial to do this at a young age as opposed to older.  I will not be shocked if you only end up working for 2-5 years in the full-time workforce and then end up becoming a mother and wife.  And know: there is nothing wrong with that.

So, if you want a career, let them time outside of studying build your social networks.  Get to know everyone.  It’ll be the uncle of the father of the kid you know in the dorms that just might get you that career opening.  If your goal is to land a husband and start a family, then start weeding them out now.  Go on dates, figure out what you do or don’t like in a man.  Go on dates, develop your flirting skills, and work on developing your feminine side.  However, this does not mean “experiment” in a sexual way…bringing me to my next point.

You probably will not marry your current boyfriend.

He’s a cool guy.  Mom, Dad and I all like him.  But he’s a total sissy, sis.  No offense.  More than likely, you will drift apart from him during your freshmen year.  It’s okay, and natural for that to happen.  99% of the long distance freshmen relationships did not work out in my dorm hall.  I only know of one that did, and they’ve now been together almost 7 years.  If it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be, but more than likely, it will not be meant to be.  Now, assuming you guys break up….

Do not go on a slutty rampage.

If you want a respectable, strong man, he will not respect you if your orifices have been penetrated by too many cocks before his.  I know your N count is currently zero.  Try to keep it low.  Some guys would say you should hold your V card as your greatest asset, but I don’t necessarily agree.  However, please, please try to graduate with an N count below 5.  This will be chaste enough for most guys, provided you bring other good qualities to the table.

Develop good habits.  EXERCISE & NUTRITION.

These are crucial years where, when you have the freedom, you can develop lifelong habits that will sustain you beyond your early youth and throughout adulthood.

  • Go to the gym at least five times a week.  You know what time I was waking up my freshmen year to hit the weights on weekdays?  5:30am.  That’s insane for a college dorm.  Sleep til 8am on Saturday and Sunday.  This is also insane.
  • Stop being such a slob.  No offense, you’re disgusting.  Pick your clothes up and fold them nicely.  Mom and Dad won’t be funding them forever.  Don’t leave food out, people will find it repulsive.
  • Stop sleeping in.  People who accomplish nothing sleep til noon.  Get up when no one else is and get shit done.  You’ll feel better and more accomplished.  The gym, or a cold shower, is a great way to start your morning.
  • Go to bed at a decent time.  I know, everyone in the dorm will be up munching on Cheetos at 2am…but try to get to bed by midnight every night and you’ll avoid napping in class, in between classes, in the library…etc.
  • EAT GOOD.  I can’t stress this one enough.  You’ll have girls that looked great in a bikini on move in day looking like they should be wearing a one piece on move out day.  Avoid eating all the fast food on campus.  Try to drink a lot of water.  Walk everywhere.  This goes hand in hand with the first bullet point on this list.

Random, miscellaneous tips:

  • Be cautious of dining hall food.  Some of them have laxatives so you shit it out instead of getting sick.
  • Wear flip flops in the shower.  Enough said.
  • If you think you’ll regret doing something, you should probably do it.  And you probably will regret it, as a warning.  I regret the things I didn’t do more than the things I screwed up.
  • Be spontaneous.  Take a random road trip.  Spend a little bit more money than you have if you have to.  You will NEVER have this kind of freedom again.
  • Don’t call home too often.  It will be hard at first, but texting Mom all day everyday will make things harder and hinder your development.
  • Get involved in anything, even if it seems stupid.
  • Frat houses are generally even most disgusting than your room.
  • For the first month, you’ll dress up every time you go to class.  Resist the urge to wear sweats and a hoodie to every class after that month.  Everybody else will be.  Take a little time to make yourself look nice.  It will improve your confidence and mood.
  • Walking everywhere will help you keep off the freshmen 15.
  • I know you don’t drink.  If you want to try it, you should.  Be careful though.  Remember that you have some Asian genes in you, and you are a tiny girl.  One shot is probably sufficient the first time you drink.
  • College is nothing like the movies depict it.  You’ll understand soon.

Know that I am always here for you if you ever need anything.  Call or text me at anytime of the day.  It wasn’t long ago I went through all this myself.  I love you.

Love,

Big Bro

Avoid this.

  • September 15, 2013
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