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Starbucks Makes You Fat

Not just evil…masters of evil.

I’m sitting at Starbucks, the girl next to me has been making faces at her phone for the last five minutes.  There’s the “duck lips” face, the “serious” face, the “Starbucks mug shot” face, and a couple other weird ones that hopefully don’t make it on to her Facebook.  Oh, look at that!  She has her lunch out.  Looks to be healthy Greek yogurt and cantaloupe.  She’s fit, but is undoing all that good of the small, light (but probably not actually that healthy) lunch by sucking the life out of a large frapamocasmoothiechocolatesundaechino.  Whatever the hell it’s called.  I don’t actually drink caffeine personally, but Starbucks has free WiFi and I’m only a block from the beach.  I’m sitting out here drinking water out of a Gatorade bottle and people are staring at me funny because I don’t have a calorie loaded heart attack in a cup on my table.

This girl is reasonably attractive.  I would probably rate her at a 7, maybe a 7.5 on a good day.  I’m not going to judge her for her choice of drink because she’s in shape.  However, the 250-pound land whales walking through the door, and walking out with their mid-morning treat, I don’t understand.  Starbucks is a status symbol more than anything.  I remember in high school; it was “cool” if you walked around with a Starbucks cup.  Why?  I have no fucking idea.  So all these office workers come into Starbucks every morning, get a 700 calorie sugar-loaded drink, and then go sit in their office chairs where they don’t move for the next couple hours.  Unless, of course, it’s to take a trip to the vending machine for a soda or a “healthy” snack of Goldfish crackers and a Snickers bar.  Which satisfies.

In my office, a lot of typical daily meals look something like this:

  • Breakfast: Bowl of sugar.  Err, sorry, I mean cereal.  Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Fruit Loops, Frosted Flakes, Raisin Bran.  You know what, sugar is actually a fair assessment.
  • En route to work: Large frapamocasmoothiechocolatesundaechino.
  • Lunch: Go out to various establishments: pizza, Mongolian BBQ, sandwiches, etc.
  • Afternoon snack: sodas/snacks from the vending machine.
  • Dinner: Whatever is cooked.  Or stopping on the way home for another pizza.

No wonder America has gotten fat.  Excuse me, I have to go order a frapamocasmoothiechoclatesundaechino before they kick me off the WiFi.

  • August 26, 2013
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