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Advice For Those Sexy College Girls

Four years ago, when I started college, I took it upon myself to make all sorts of girl friends.  Note the space in between girl and friends.  As in, platonic, non-sexual girl friends.  You know, just what every guy wants.  As the last couple of years of gone by and I’ve greatly improved the female-relationship part of my life (i.e. I have girlfriends), I have come to understand much better how the male-female relationship dynamic works.  I’m going to let a huge secret out of the bag here, brace yourself.  If you are a college girl, listen up.

Guys care about looks.  A lot.

There you go!  Huge shock, I know.  However, with that being said, the platonic female friends who I have kept as close friends over these last four years (despite most of them greatly disapproving of my lifestyle these days), I truly do care for.  And, whether they believe it or not, I have little-to-no sexual interest and would love nothing more than to see them be able to land a good guy who made them happy.

Here is my advice for my (admittedly) sexy college girls friends whom I love dearly as my friends; but would probably bang if given the chance.

There is no better time for you right now to land a strong, good man and marry him.  You will never be more young and beautiful than you are now.  You will only get uglier, older, and likely, more bitter towards the world.

Yes, that’s awfully harsh, but it’s the exact opposite of what guys usually say, because they’re spineless wimps (they’ll say, “no, you’ll ALWAYS be beautiful to me.”).  Keep in mind that I did say a strong, good man.  Sure, you can snare a boring accountant when you’re 35 or 40 who will be one of those typical “yes dears”.  Sex with him will be boring and passionless (dominance is much hotter) and you’ll quite literally wear the pants around the house, perhaps even keep his testicles hanging as a chandelier in your living room.  If you’re okay with that, then by all means, continue fucking lots of guys and working on your career as a social worker/HR slave/starving artist/insert other worthless career (at this point I’m just generalizing America).

If though, you want your real fairytale-bullshit-Hollywood-scripted Prince Charming, listen to me.  If you want a strong, alpha man who turns you on and is loyal to you, heed this advice.  I had this talk with my little sister who is 18 and going to college this fall.  I told her not to sleep with too many guys and to try to find the best guy she could while she was in her prime years (18-25).  After that, it is DOWNHILL.  Accept this, and I’ll be the first to tell you, it’s NOT fair.  Girls have it great from 18-30, guys have it good after that.  Girls get older, uglier, and more wrinkly, whilst guys can keep themselves in shape, accumulate wealth, travel experiences, fuck more and more girls, and generally become more sexy.  Look at Brad Pitt and George Clooney.  They’re swimming in women.  Then look at Jennifer Aniston, who, while still beautiful, I suspect is so bitter at this point in her life that she will never hold anyone down (though I’d love a suga mama, call me beautiful).

For guys, it’s probably 80% about looks.  I’ve tolerated a lot of bullshit because I had someone beautiful.  Dancers, bi-polar alcoholics…etc.  It’s amazing what I put up with in hindsight, and most guys are the same.  After this, what matters is your femininity and softness.  Most guys don’t give a shit that you make $45,000 at your boring ass HR job where you file paperwork and answer the phone.

STOP drinking so much, STOP making out with guys like me in clubs within 5 seconds of meeting, STOP putting off exercise “until I’m fat,” and for the love of God,  STOP wearing sweatpants/hoodies/sunglasses/flip flops/Toms/stupid baggy T-shirts with stupid slogans everywhere (reminder: guys care about looks, and that look is not sexy).  DO learn to cook, be sweet, and keep yourself in shape, and you will have good, strong men who want to wife you up.

college girls

Don’t do this.

  • July 7, 2013
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