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The following is an excerpt from Trouble In Hungary.


My friend Jeremy and I landed in Budapest at 8:00 pm local time, after 14 hours in transit. We took a cab to the city center and picked up the keys to our AirBNB pad. We were literally a ten-second walk from Szimpla Kert, which is the biggest ruin pub bar in Budapest. After hearing about a friend’s epic Budapest trip, and having him and other guys vouch for Szimpla, we were stoked that we ended up right next door.

My other friend – who goes by Lucky – showed up about an hour later and we stocked up on booze and food at the local grocery store. After a quick meal, followed by a few shots, we rolled down to Szimpla.

Szimpla Kert is simply like nothing I’ve seen anywhere. I made several laps of the place in complete awe of the talent and venue itself.

Lucky has some pretty good dance moves, and he ended up hooking the attention of a French girl. I opened and hooked a set of two girls – both of whom were teachers from Greece. I sent the brunette over to Jeremy by simply pointing at him and shooing her away from her blonde friend. For those of you who have yet to travel outside of the States, it’s a welcome relief. The girls are a breath of fresh air. They want to meet guys.

My Greek girl was really into me and touching me, etc…but then I made the mistake of dropping my real age; 23 at the time.

And it turns out…she’s 40.

This revelation was simply shocking, as all 3 of us agreed she looked 28 at most. In reality, I probably should have just started lying to all girls in Budapest, and telling them I’m 27 or 28. With my facial hair, I could have pulled it off, especially when I’m rocking blazers like I often do.

Long story short: that interaction died.

The next group I approached was a bachelorette party consisting of a group of girls from the United Kingdom. Not my cup of tea (no pun intended).

They’re definitely were not top shelf talent, but several of them were giving us eye contact so I said decided it was worth the attempt. I delved into a conversation with the engaged one, and I start getting the sense that she was definitely looking to get dicked down by a stranger one “last” time. I have to admit, things with this conversation got kind of hazy for me at this point. Eventually, we got bored and bounced.

At this point it was coming up on 2 am, and because I can’t sleep on planes, I was really on my last legs. But…there are these two beautiful girls who I felt a biological boiling for, so I go dragged myself up to open with a, “hey.”

They’re receptive: one is from Mexico, one from Korea. Both are in the fashion industry in Milan.



My fatigue faded away, I’m glad I decided to open them.

I took the Mexican and passed the Korean to Lucky. The Mexican was really into me – I lived in San Diego for five years, and obviously Los Angeles (my current home) has a strong Mexican influence. We chit chat and eventually they left to go to the bathroom. Lucky, being a great guy, somehow pulled two girls back to Jeremy and still managed to get back to me before the Milan girls came back.

Confused yet? I got you covered. In case you need a recap:

  • I’m partnered up with the Mexican model living in Milan.
  • Lucky is with the Korean model living in Milan (Mexican’s friend).
  • Jeremy is with a Scottish girl named Aimi (if it ends in “I”…she’s a slut – this will turn out to be proven completely true) and her friend, who is one of the top five most butch lesbians I’ve ever seen in my life.

Eventually, we bounced out of Szimpla Kert, with the pretense of going “somewhere else”. You must always give plausible deniability to get a girl, especially a group of girls, home.

I have no recollection of what happened with the fourth girl (Aimi’s friend), but she disappeared because slutty Aimi flat-out told her she wanted to go home with Jeremy (remember the sluttiness of the letter I!).

Needless to say, once we walked out of Szimpla we just started pushing going back to the apartment for drinks instead of another bar – they all agreed and came up.

After a round of shots, we all managed to isolate to our respective areas – Jeremy and me to our rooms with our girls, and Lucky to the couch (he was only staying half the time in the city as Jeremy and I, so he was on the couch).

As soon as I get the Mexican into my room I get hit with…”I have a boyfriend.”


I tried everything in the book – pinning her down, freezing out, every boyfriend destroying tactic in the book. Nothing worked. I was bummed, too – she was just my type. This girl was about 5’2″, 100 pounds – definitely looked like a girl who was in the fashion industry minus the fun size factor.

Meanwhile, Lucky banged the Korean on the couch and he nutted all over her face. In apology for not putting out for me, the Mexican offered to ask if the Korean wants to fuck me, too.

I declined.

Jeremy “fucked” Aimi, who then proceeds to pass out in his bed. The kicker of this is that he only got to pump away for about a minute before she told him to stop and then apparently decided a nap was in order.

The Milan girls eventually left after a half hour or so, and Jeremy tried to get Aimi to leave, too. He had absolutely no luck with this, so he turned to Lucky to try to get her into her clothes, and get her out so he can get some sleep. Keep in mind, this is now all happening at 6-7 am. The sun is starting to rise. Lucky, being the great guy he is, goes and puts her clothes on. And then takes them off…

Eskimo brothers!

Jeremy and I heard them from the living room and I took everything we had not to bust out laughing. We hid out in my room while Lucky finished up, and he gets her out the door.

The next problem arose when Jeremy couldn’t find his phone. We realized she took it -whether it was an accident or not is still something up for debate. Since Lucky stole his girl, I make the executive, third-party decision to send him sprinting out the door to get the phone back.

He chased her for five blocks, barefoot, and retrieved the phone. We have a good laugh about this all until about 7:45 am when I finally go to bed. Even a year later, we still laugh about this night all the time in our group text.

Eskimo brothers are for life, remember that.

Recap on the first night…2 flags for Lucky, 1 for Jeremy…me zero.

There’s just no way to describe how absolutely epic this night was. In all my adventures with game and troublemaking, this easily ranks up there in the top three. It’s a story I’ll tell my son one day when he’s grown up. I don’t even think my words can do it justice. Needless to say, we were all hungover as shit the next morning afternoon.

Jeremy and I start phoning home to check on the availability of liver transplants in the United States, just in case…

…we needed them by the time this trip was over.


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Copyright © 2013-2016 This Is Trouble - Published by [DBA] Troublesome Media - All Rights Reserved.

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